One (Last) Refrain

Restaurant Music

2012-02-01T01:28:00.003-05:00

I'm trying to put it all back together.
I've got a story and I'm trying to tell it right.
I got the kerosene and a desire.
I'm trying to start a flame in the heart of the night

Oh you got a fire and it's burning in the rain
Thought that it went out, but it's burning just the same
And you don't look back, not for anything
'Cause if you love someone, you love them all the same
If you love someone, you love them all the same

Everything will be alright. Things will work out the way they're meant to. Blind faith in that statement. That's what I have. Blind faith in love and hope and life.

Today it was nearly 70 degrees outside -- it was startlingly gorgeous. Some momentous things fell into place today. I re-discovered something about myself over these past few crazy, crazy days. I'm such a doormat sometimes, to the point that I forget myself and my wants and desires in the face of the desires of everyone else around me. I take it all in until I feel as if I'm about to be buried alive. When am I going to learn to stand up for what it is that I want?

It's 2AM and I am struck by the desire to scream for joy and cry until I'm blind. I FEEL.

<3,

Beef

2012-01-26T01:16:00.002-05:00

It's late, and I should be asleep, but instead I'm here. Typing.

Something in me is telling me to write something here, but I haven't a clue what that something is supposed to be.

I don't think I've ever told you, but our apartment has four clocks up in the living room. I moved into the apartment last fall to live with five new girls. A clock seemed like a safe bet to bring, so I brought mine. It's made of purple plastic and sells for around $5 at Bed Bath & Beyond -- the day I went to buy it was the first time I had ever been in that store before.

One of the first things I saw when I moved in were three other plastic clocks sitting on the dining table. One pink, one blue, and one green. Now, they're all lined up in a row on the wall in our living room. Right now, they each show a different time to reflect the people that make up our apartment -- Singapore, Slovakia, India, and Charlottesville. It's funny -- when I think about the time, my mind tends to absentmindedly convert it to two different time zones.

Besides the clacking from my typing, I hear the ticktocks from each of the four clocks behind me and the music I've got jammed into my ears (you hate the fact that you boughtthedream and they soldyouone). Despite my perpetual exhaustion, I am in love with how the world feels when everyone else has gone to bed.

It has struck me recently that no matter how much I think I've changed, no matter how much other people tell me I've changed, no matter how I've tried to change myself, there are parts of me-myself-and-I that seem to be immovable. Resistant to all of the change I've mustered together and thrown at myself. That fact scares me to death, sometimes. But at other times, it makes me feel more real. Makes me think that I'm figuring out the core dimensions of Viola.

Today, I talked with my philosophy professor about how the Japanese massage cows. It never occurred to me that they did that to make the meat more tender. I told him I thought they just wanted to treat the cows nicely before they were killed for meat.

:) Sleeping now. Sweet, sweet dreams, m'loves.

<3,

Mental Block

2012-01-21T20:07:00.004-05:00

UVA again.

My mind simply refuses to function anymore. Simply. Refuses.

I try to sit and think and read, and I swear I can hear my brain sloshing around in my head, guffawing at my pathetic attempts to make sense of the little black symbols on the page before me. In fact, I'm beginning to think (ironic, I know) that my brain simply refuses to make sense of anything at all. Life has been turned topsy-turvy; I feel as though I have woken up to someone else's life. Part of me wants to throw everything down and shout 'WHOSE LIFE IS THIS, EXACTLY?!" and demand for someone to look up the situation and make sure that someone hasn't gotten it wrong somewhere.

I'm scared I'll mess up this other me's life.

I mean, I even read part of a poem today and thought it was the most beautiful thing I had read all week. Let's get this straight -- I despise poetry. But for some odd reason, as I was floating through the book store, I saw this and it took me back to high school. Mr. Miller's class:

April is the cruelest month, breeding

Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing

Memory and desire, stirring

Dull roots with spring rain.

<3,

* Reread this and realized that I sound half-mad. But I'm always thankful, always thankful <3.

2011

2011-12-31T18:40:00.004-05:00

Few things beat a New Year's Eve spent with the fam learning to make dumplings from scratch, drinking beer together, and watching the news.

<3,
V

Don't Judge

2011-12-09T19:46:00.004-05:00

Currently three cups of coffee and a bottle of diet Dr. Pepper into this take-home exam. My ridiculous playlist is what's stopping me from wanting to shout screw this! and give up:

1) Inconsolable - Backstreet Boys

2) Kiss Kiss - Chris Brown

3) Somewhere Love Remains - Lady Antebellum

4) All of the Lights - Kanye West

5) LoveStoned - Justin Timberlake

6) Here Without You - Boyce Avenue

...and my personal favorite...

7) Church - T-Pain

YOU THINK YOU'RE COOL, YOU THINK I'M NOT - YOU THINK YOU TOUGH

YOU THINK YOU HARD, YOU THINK I'M SOFT - YOU THINK YOU ROUGH

<3,

Feeling

2011-12-03T18:40:00.000-05:00

A little bit lost.

<3,

All of the lights

2011-12-01T17:22:00.002-05:00

62 page Rolls-Royce paper? Check.

Running on less than 4 hours of sleep for the past four days? Check.

Block pre-game party last night to celebrate the paper being done? CHECK, CHECK, CHECK.

About those finals...

<3,

Lighthouse on the coast

2011-11-24T13:21:00.003-05:00

Home again. I am sitting upstairs and inhaling the heavenly smells of Thanksgiving being cooked before me in preparation for tonight. Thanksgiving incarnate. It's enough to make you mad with hunger.

I've come to a slow realization that there have been parts of me that were still living in the past: wishing that I could see all of you every day like I used to, wishing that life hadn't yet hoisted all of these responsibilities on me -- on us, wishing that distance didn't matter.

I had a dream a few days ago that made me realize how futile and dangerous all of that wishing was. I woke up, startled, and realized that there were tears in my eyes.

I know that it isn't bad to look back and remember, but sometimes I am close to forgetting how blessed I am, here and now. I don't want to have my here-and-now pass me by before I realize how wonderful it all is. I'm so lucky, so lucky.

My friends, old and new, remind me every day with things that they do that I have people who care that I'm alive and doing well. When I look around me, it's so glaringly obvious that I should be thankful; I am. I tell you how lucky I am nearly every day, whether I see you or not, and I want you to know how true those words are.

:) Thinking of all of you and wishing you all the best.

<3,

Pandora

2011-11-19T15:08:00.001-05:00

That moment when the radio plays a song that brings you way, way back. I was a bit stunned. Man, have things changed.

<3,

Where I am today

2011-11-09T14:47:00.003-05:00

It’s fall, and the smell of the air and the sight of pure sunshine striking the oranges and yellows of the treetops takes my breath away. I walk to class, struck with the urge to turn the other way and make a mad dash towards the mountains that sketch out the boundaries of the not-so-distant horizon.

Now here’s the sun, come to dry the rain

Warm my shoulders and relieve my pain

I have to fight myself to stop from retreating into myself whenever things go south and I lose sight of the big picture of things. I can feel myself automatically putting up a 10-foot tall fence around myself, trying to keep everyone and everything out – I have to tediously pull each one out, stake by stake. I can feel myself hiding behind a mask of optimism and constant smiles. At least it feels less and less like a mask, less and less like something I feel obligated to do. I’m writing this up alone at a table, smiling. Not smiling because I feel the need to put on a happy face for someone else, but simply because there’s so much to smile about right now.

I need to be bold

Need to jump in the cold water

My mind feels like it’s bursting with things I want to write in here. Ideas that I have been turning over and over in my head for the past few days, always with the feeling that I’m pressed for time. It scares me how fast this semester is flying by - it's flying by, and I still can't make heads or tails of a vast majority of my thoughts. I reach out my hand to grab a hold of time, to tell it to chill and just slow down, and it feels roughly like trying to hold onto flowing water. Sometimes I feel like I’m being swept along without getting to have a say in the matter. I’ll blink, and suddenly I’ll be back at home, gathered around a feast with warm company.

All the things I feel I need to say

I can’t explain in any other way

<3,

Daydreaming

2011-10-22T15:31:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I hear your voice

Over all the noise

You bleed through

And I hear you

<3,

Dreary Days

2011-10-12T18:23:00.003-04:00

Woke up today at 7.

Rolled out of bed.

Saw the rain.

Felt blah all day.

But still smiled :)

<3,

P.S. Relient K covers Justin Bieber? Yes. Yes. Yes! Hahahaha.

Amen we made it this far

2011-10-08T21:49:00.005-04:00

I woke up with a start Saturday morning.

Being silly me, I had set my alarm the previous night thinking I needed to get to class at 9:30AM or face the wrath of a business school professor whose idea of being "late" to class is arriving at 9:29AM.

So, promptly at 8:30AM, my pillow vibrated as my cell alarm went off. *facepalm*

Home is a reliable place. Barring extreme circumstances, things never seem to change. So when I come home, and I can't shrug off this feeling that I'm an onlooker looking in, I know it's me that's slightly shifted. That makes me smile - for someone who's been so scared of change and being left behind, it's another sign that I'm finally the one moving forward.

I remember how big I used to think the neighborhood was. There was that hill with the forest at its base, where we used to trek alongside the river until we were hopelessly lost and suddenly scrambled out on the other end of town. When I ran past it the other day, I almost missed it - the river looked more like a tiny creek, overgrown and hidden. It hasn't lost its magic though. If I close my eyes, I can still see us splashing our way through the growth.

The people are the same. The same old lady with the ginormous sun hat, white gloves, and black sunglasses, defiantly power-walking her way around the entire neighborhood. The same little boy running with his golden retriever through the field behind our house. The same hunched-over man, leaning against his garage, overseeing his garden-kingdom with a meticulous eye.

I wonder if they see me running by and think there goes that same Asian girl listening to her iPod.

It's weird to think that these people have seen me grow up. They've seen me sitting at the bus stop after middle school for hours, just sitting there with my Tina-tuna. They've seen me learn to drive in my beat-up old Honda. They've seen me trying to learn tennis at the courts (they saw me fail at that, too). They've seen me dragging my tired feet back from high school at 5:30PM. They've seen me pack up for college, return home again, pack up again, return home again....

Home = love.

<3,

P.S. I better see all of you at Thanksgiving. :)

Filling in the blanks

2011-10-02T08:55:00.010-04:00

I'm ushering in the new month with a spectacular display of being a stereotypical college student.

You know how everyone goes through that first experience of suddenly waking up the next morning, realizing that you can't recall what happened after a certain point the night before?

The worstbest is sitting through others telling you what you did. Some decide that it's the greatest thing ever and shrug it off, and others freak and try and make a mental note in their heads to preempt such incidents from happening again.

Not sure which of the two I'm leaning towards. I'm absolutely mortified, but I'd do it all the same again.

But really, none of that matters. What I've discovered is that what really, truly matters is whom you're with. Hopefully they're the ones who won't judge you, the ones who will laugh with you and fill you in and find you fantastic nonetheless.

What I've discovered is that I'm blessed.

For some reason, the definition of trust that our OB prof told us on Thursday has really stayed with me: to make yourself vulnerable, because you have confidence in others' behaviors and intentions. It's something I'm learning to embrace.

Sometimes I'm shocked at how amazing this year has been so far.

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground?

I gotta find my place.

<3,

Celebrations

2011-09-23T11:50:00.002-04:00

I forget how to start this.

It's been a crazy month: it feels as though someone has taken a metaphorical, sopping-wet rag of time and scrunched it together, squeezing out all the droplets of life's doldrums that seem to fill in the spaces between all of the events we remember. Nonsensical or not, that's how life feels right now.

There's been no break - no rest - since I've gotten here. It's been nonstop networking, nonstop reading, nonstop heyhowhaveyoubeen?, nonstop case-analyzing, nonstop working, nonstop thinking, thinking, thinking. The weekends have become more like extensions of the weekdays and less like glorious, lazy, nothing-filled days. And to be honest, I'm loving it all. Drinking it all in. Taking deep breaths and reminding myself to be aware of all that's happening - to take the time and STOP. And look around. And take inventory.

I'm revisiting things that I thought I had forgotten. I've been experiencing things that I thought I'd never have the courage to try. Sometimes, I feel as though I'm finally starting to see. See what? I haven't the faintest clue.

A personality test that I took during block this past week revealed that I've changed since the summer. Were the events of this past summer really that much of a catalyst for change? Compared to my results at the start of the summer (and actually all the way back to the start of high school), I've apparently become an extrovert (but only very slightly!) that prefers to focus on the opportunities of the future and who likes to leave things unplanned and untethered. My own sentiments tell me that this isn't true, but there's evidence that suggests otherwise. In the end, I guess everyone but me would be the best judge of all that, since I struggle to dissociate myself from my own biases towards myself. I struggle.

As life moves us forward, I find myself wishing more and more that I could celebrate all of this change with all of you. If I were with you right now, I would be leaping for joy at just how wonderful things can really be, if you give them a chance. I'd be whooping and running down hallways and causing a general ruckus.

We'd be celebrating together. <3

<3,

That terrifying moment

2011-09-11T03:31:00.000-04:00

when you realize that in learning to trust someone, you're giving them the possibility to tear you down.

There are ups and downs, but goodness :) are the ups really high up there. I'm not entirely sure if I care anymore about possibly falling.

Hope you all are having a lovely week.

<3,
V

Friends (Update: FOREVER IF EVER!)

2011-09-05T21:03:00.003-04:00

Update: Jon Mclaughlin
FOREVER IF EVER IS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get it at www.jonmcl.com / iTunes www.tinyurl.com/jonmclforever / Amazon.com

Oh my GOODNESS. AHHH!
----

Friends make the world go round and round and round and round. I love you all.

THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS much.

Sooner or later, I swear we’re gonna make it, we’re gonna make it,
Sooner or later, I swear we’re gonna make it, we’re gonna make it
Milk and honey ’til we get our fill
I’ll keep chasing it, I always will
Sooner or later, I swear
We’ll make it there
Sooner than later

<3,
V

My guard is up

2011-09-05T12:14:00.002-04:00

This school year has been crazy so far. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed, frozen from disbelief that what happened actually did happen.

Something that has surprised me about this year is my level of detachment. Have I really become that detached from reality? From feeling? From emotions? I didn't think so, but had this all happened about two years ago, I would be a flurry of emotions right now. I still feel a level of disbelief, of happiness, of annoyance, of attachment, but it's so subdued now that it makes what happened feel like the left over strands of some half-cooked dream.

Since when did I change to this?

Or perhaps this is my defense mechanism: Let's just forget it happened. Let's just keep going on as always.

Pros: A lot less pain on my part.
Cons: A smaller possibility of finding absolute bliss.

I'm struggling to become less guarded. To those that matter out there, please don't get frustrated with me. Please!

:) I'm working on it!

<3,
V

Life is messy

2011-08-27T03:22:00.004-04:00

but that makes life worth living. I keep telling myself that. I feel as though I am going out of my mind trying to patient. Patience, patience, I tell myself.

Also, Charles Kelley has, by far, the best country voice I've ever heard in my entire life. I could listen to him sing forever.

<3,

P.S. Happy Friday :)

Shakey Quakey

2011-08-25T14:08:00.005-04:00

This made me laugh and brought back some old memories :)

National Zoo Animals React to the Earthquake

The vibrations from yesterday’s 5.8 earthquake were keenly felt at the Smithsonian’s National Zoological Park; all animals, staff and visitors were safe and no injuries were reported. Zoo buildings were closed to the public and checked by safety personnel for structural damage. Zoo gates were closed to incoming visitors but exits were open for guests to leave at their leisure. The Zoo reopened this morning on time.

Animal care staff recognized changes in animal behavior.

Great Apes

About five to ten seconds before the quake, many of the apes, including Kyle (an orangutan) and Kojo (a Western lowland gorilla), abandoned their food and climbed to the top of the tree-like structure in the exhibit.

About three seconds before the quake, Mandara (a gorilla) let out a shriek and collected her baby, Kibibi, and moved to the top of the tree structure as well.

Reptile Discovery Center

All the snakes began writhing during the quake (copperheads, cotton mouth, false water cobra, etc.). Normally, they remain inactive during the day.

Giant Pandas

According to keepers, the giant pandas did not appear to respond to the earthquake.

Ahaha. :) Panda, panda, panda!

<3,

Sacrifices

2011-08-23T17:15:00.003-04:00

This post is going to be about sacrifices.

This year is shaping up to be mind-numbingly hectic. My mind is ever-reeling in response to the amount of change that I'm being faced with. I might as well be a first-year. It's only the first day of classes, and yet I have over a hundred pages of reading to do for tomorrow (let's not even begin to discuss me staying up until 2AM yesterday finishing homework for today - today! The first day of classes!). This craziness, coupled with a surprisingly persistent cold that probably has something to do with my new roomie keeping the AC constantly on, has caused me to realize that this semester is going to require some sacrifices.

I have been called many adjectives, but the two that are most relevant in this post are probably my "optimistic" outlook and my stubbornness. Some things stick with you forever, and two things I will always remember are 1) someone telling me they loved how stubborn I was, and 2) someone saying I was always smiling and always gung-ho (I can't help but laugh at the obvious, yet unintentional Asian slant!). So there you have it. I am apparently optimistic and stubborn.

When you mix these two qualities together and put them to the test, you get the inner turmoil of me beginning this semester with 18 credits (15 from the Comm school, 3 from my ETP major), two part-time jobs, two time-intensive extracurrics, and me rather blindly repeating to myself that I can handle it all, do well, not be a hermit, and not go stark-raving mad.

As a 20-year-old, my excuse that I'm just a child (although I'll always think this in my head) is one that rarely flies anymore. I often forget that I'm not technically a teen anymore, so the fact that I'm the big two-oh jolts my system every once in a while. When I was sitting in orientation and being told by our block mentors that sacrifices may be required to adjust to the new workload and environment, I began to think that perhaps it was time for me to let go.

*deep breath*

I quit one of my part-time jobs.

Earth-shattering, I know. But really now, in the face of everything that's about to come and has already come, I adamantly maintain that that decision will probably be one of the toughest, if not the toughest, decisions I will make this entire semester. My co-workers are an absolute joy, have taught me so much, and are so very supportive. It kills me to do this to them at the start of a new year, and what kills me more is how wonderful they were about it.

Sacrifices. Now there's something I am completely uncomfortable and unused to. Yay for the start of a new year!

<3,

P.S. On my list of to-dos: Experiencing an earthquake? CHECK!

Nothing is the same

2011-08-14T05:23:00.005-04:00

Given that it's 5:30 in the morning, I know I'll be passing out in just a few short minutes.

I just wanted to take the time and write down how I feel right now, right this very second:

This summer was phenomenal. The best summer internship experience I've ever had, by far.

It was the people that did it. The people made this summer what it was. I've never met anyone like them before (beyond the fact that people are inherently different). It was also everything I've learned, the things I could never have learned anywhere else. I can say for a fact that I'll truly miss them all, miss the experiences we shared, and miss this place. I'll be coming back, that's for sure.

Everything feels different.

I feel like my entire word has shifted.

I can't even begin to put down in words what this summer has meant to me. All I can say is that it has meant everything.

<3,

P.S.

Brief list of firsts (far from being complete):

- Moving to another state to live on my own for a random start-up

- Living with a guy

- Working on an all-guy team

- Going kayaking (and getting completely soaked)

- Eating at a vegetarian restaurant (and loving the food!)

- Getting froyo three times in one day

- Drinking beers with the guys

- Smoking

- Running for over an hour

- Watching movies by candlelight

- Scoring a goal in soccer (hehe)

- Working for a start-up

- Buying clothes from Goodwill

- Working 52+ hour work weeks

- Living with no air conditioning in the summer

- Talking to CEOs, CSOs, CFOs, and COOs of firms

<3,

Right? Left? Straight?

2011-08-04T00:32:00.007-04:00

This summer has evolved from walking to running.

A number of 'firsts' have happened during my time here in Mass, and that's how I know that I really do love it here.

But this post is about one 'first' in particular: running for 90 minutes.

It started two weeks ago. It was pouring for nearly the entire day, much like how it seems it will today. My roomie got it in his head that he needed to go for a quick jog and managed to manipulate me into accompanying him. We headed out when it was pitch black and slightly drizzling, me following behind him as he paved the way. Apparently, my mind decided to conveniently ignore the fact that he started out the jog by telling me that he had a terrible sense of direction.

Three spontaneous rights and five spontaneous lefts later, we were hopelessly lost. We had crossed two train tracks, run up two hills with inclines that could have easily been 40 degrees, and run into two dead-ends on our attempts to get back home. He was right though, it was exhilarating; the panic of being completely lost in Boston at night and with absolutely no cell phone or cash on either of us swept away all aches and pains. At one point, neither of us could stop laughing from the ridiculousness of it all.

Finally, we stopped to ask for directions back to Harvard. I love one guy's response the best, partly because of how big his eyes got: "Uh, you guys are a long way away. Follow this road for about a mile, make a right, and it's about a mile and a half from there. Are you two going to be okay?"

That was the first night, upon which I could barely walk the next day. This past Friday left us lost near the Boston University campus after desperately crossing a toll road and highway to find the Charles River (how does one lose sight of an ENTIRE river?). We still laugh at how terrible the two of us are at finding our way.

Our plan from here on out is to forget worrying about coming home, carry our metro cards, and when we're beat, hop on the T to get back.

I had forgotten just how much of a difference running with someone can make. We ran nearly 15 miles over just three runs. My sense of my physical limits was completely shattered; I guess that's how you know that you're doing something right.

<3,

Superman

2011-08-01T22:00:00.001-04:00

We're far from home

It's for the better

What we dream

It's all that matters

We're going to make it

You and I

<3,

Passing thoughts

2011-07-27T21:38:00.006-04:00

A post full of little nothings today!

Of the twenty-plus movies I can choose from, I've chosen to re-watch Clash of the Titans for the second time this month. I know, I know, it's definitely not one of the best. Or even one of the mediocre. In fact, it's got 28% on Rotten Tomatoes. Which made me realize something -- I've got the same attachment to this movie that I feel towards Troy and Gladiator and Hercules and even the Iliad and the Odyssey. There's something about the Greek and Roman gods that I find completely seducing, something about that time period that never fails to draw me in. I still blame Mrs. Seavey and my high school years. But let's be real here - eternal love, eternal hate, tricks and lies and deceit, heroic acts and mythical creatures, the world still unknown and unexplored...how can someone not find all of that fascinating?

I went for another run today after taking a two day break. I got it in my head about a week and a half ago that I needed to jog regularly. My internship is affecting me in more ways than one, and all for the better, I think. In any event, during the great heat wave of 2011, I rather foolishly went running every day for five days in a row before the onset of rain storms on the sixth day cut my streak short. After the first twenty minutes, my apprehension about jogging again after a two-day break was metaphorically left behind (although how neat would it be to turn around and actually see my apprehension, in solid form, laying there while I kept jogging onwards?). I told my roomie how amazing it felt to jog those couple of miles, and he said, "That's what happens when you start jogging regularly. It feels great." And he's right. I feel great. :)

So, don't laugh, but a few days ago I actually got "poked" on Facebook for the first time...ever. I couldn't stop laughing to myself. What on earth does that even mean? What does "poking" someone even symbolize? What...on...earth? I mean, am I supposed to poke back? It seems like the logical thing to do, but since I don't even know what it means to "poke" someone, what if I send the wrong message? But what if it's rude not to? For some reason, the only thing that comes to mind is that point in elementary school or middle school where the boys will act mean and steal small belongings of the girl that they're crushing on, like a pencil or an eraser. You know what I'm talking about - don't act like you don't remember living through your pre-teen years! Ah, the dilemmas of our modern society. Ahahaha.

<3,
V

Re-Refrain

2011-07-24T23:39:00.003-04:00

I apologize. I know reading this post will be like hearing a broken record. A beautiful, beautiful broken record, for that matter!

Lily made me go Rent-crazy again. I feel as though I go through this emotion at least every month.

What I wouldn't give to see him sing this live. I would literally pay a shocking amount of money to be able to have seen this.

1:49 is bloody brilliant.

Back to work in a couple of hours! :)

<3,
V

Liquid Excitement

2011-07-22T19:29:00.003-04:00

Holy bagoly I am feeling SO happy right now. I'm literally all smiles (And sweat. Begeezus is it hot outside.)

I could probably fry eggs on the streets outside since it's so hot, I'm about to go for a jog, and I couldn't be happier.

I'm so psyched for next week. Our start-up's going to blow the competition out of the water by imploding the market. We're going for the crack marketing strategy.

Meanwhile, we'll be calling the CSOs at all the top companies, pitching them our ideas and hopefully working out a partnership. The response so far has been unreal. It's amazing what our little group can do.

If there's one thing I love about this internship, aside from the amazing people that make up our tiny but sturdy team (❤), it's being able to see the whole business process. Being there from the very beginning, building our start-up out, doing market research, finding a major competitor, coming up with a company strategy, and then blowing the competition out of the water. This is an experience that you can study up on all you want in business school, but rarely get to actually be a part of -- to see with your own eyes. To be a part of that business strategy that defines the entire company. I never thought I'd be the type to want to start my own company, but now I'm itching to get my ideas down on paper and make it all work.

It's funny to think that when I first started out, I was counting down the (hours till I get to see your face -- bonus points for recognizing where that comes from!) weeks till I would be back home, and now I'm dreading the day I have to go back home. To not be able to waltz into the office and see everyone and be a part of that amazing synergy is a huge blow to think about. I hate being left behind, and there's no way I'm going to be left behind when I have to go back to Virginia. Maybe taking a year off isn't so ludicrous after all.

I feel as though pure, liquid excitement is coursing through my veins, propelling me forward. I love where I am right now. Change truly is amazing. I'm glad I took the leap.

<3,
V

I'm biting my tongue

2011-07-20T22:30:00.003-04:00

Word's on the streets and it's on the news:
I'm not gonna teach him how to dance with you
He's got two left feet and he bites my moves
I'm not gonna teach him how to dance, dance, dance, dance!
The second I do, I know we're gonna be through
I'm not gonna teach him how to dance with you
He don't suspect a thing, I wish he'd get a clue
I'm not gonna teach him how to dance, dance, dance, dance!

You are the girl that I've been dreaming of
Ever since I was a little girl
You are the girl that I've been dreaming of
Ever since, ever since...

Seriously, though. Get a clue. ♥

<3,
V

Snape, snape, severus snape...

2011-07-15T19:15:00.006-04:00

Update: Realized I needed this post to be better.

Before you groan, let me just say this. There's no way that I can go to the last premiere ever of the Harry Potter saga and not post anything. There's just no way.

We got there an hour early, and the line was already half-a-mile long. I nearly burst from sheer excitement after seeing Hagrid, Luna, and what looked like the whomping willow get out of a taxi two feet away from me. I felt like I was part of a movement, something much larger than my insignificant fact. That's right, I was completely tied up in the Harry Potter craze. In fact, in all my excitement, I downed three-quarters of my box of Buncha Crunch before the previews even started.

Our generation is marked by a lot of things, but one that always comes to mind for me is Harry Potter. Call me a dork or a loser, but that's the honest-to-goodness truth. We grew up with these kids, for crying out loud. I was every bit the munchkin that the fearless trio were when the first film came out, and now look at us all. I've grown up, and so have they.

I won't ruin anything for those who haven't seen it (but honestly, why didn't you see it at midnight? Lame!), but my favorite parts thus far:
- Prof. McGonagall
- The Malfoys
- Neville Longbottom
- Snape
Needless to say, I seriously need to re-watch it, and this time not sitting in the third row from the front with a paralyzing neck cramp.

It's sad to think that there's nothing else to look forward to (edit: Harry Potter-wise that is; I reread this and realized how depressing it would otherwise sound. How silly.). No new releases or premieres, just back to every day life. There's a reason that I can't say whether or not I really loved the last film (it was phenomenal, to be sure, but I can't say that I felt complete awe and satisfaction when it was over). There's too much of a parallel to real life - that tell-tale adage that all good things must come to an end. For someone that naturally hates change (but actively tries my best to embrace it), these things leave me with a lump in my throat. But it really was a wonderful run.

So long, Harry. :)

<3,
V

P.S. Sheer exhaustion today at work. Five minutes into the morning meeting, my boss looked at me funny and laughingly asked if I needed coffee. That's how tired I was. Ah, good times!

Ain't gonna stress

2011-07-05T19:24:00.000-04:00

And I'm doing just fine
I'm always landing on my feet,
In the nick of time,
And by the skin of my teeth
I ain't gonna stress
Cause' the worst ain't happened yet
Something's watching over me like
Sweet serendipity

<3,
V

Flight 861/2025

2011-07-01T18:00:00.003-04:00

I'm sitting in the airport waiting for my flight back home.

I'm not surprised to hear that my flight is delayed. It's amusing to think that google has come out with a social networking tool that's said to rival facebook (think social circles) and that my mac is now operating os x lion but flights that take off on time are few and far between. C'est la vie.

My mind balks at the fact that I'm already half done with this internship. I can't help but flinch at the idea of having to fly back here and go through five more weeks of feeling strung completely thin, but half of me is panicking right now.

I'll be back in the office giving a demo to the CEO of an energy auditing firm in Montana promptly at 10:30 am next Tuesday morning. That's just four days from now, and even though I keep telling myself that I'll be back in Cambridge, my heart skips a beat to think I'll wake up tomorrow and not be a 15 minute walk from the office.

I already miss them and that life, even though I'm coming straight back. I've been gone for only two hours, and I already miss it. I know that over these next few days, I'm going to miss the sunshine streaming across my face at 8 in the morning. I'm going to miss struggling to keep up with salesforce and all of my scheduled appointments. I'm going to miss his dorky smile and laugh. I'm going to miss the smells of cigars and weed that hit me when I walk into our living room. It's funny what odds and ends stick with you and grow on you.

And I lost my faith in my darkest days, but she makes me want to believe.

I figured out why I've felt a twinge of complete loss these past few days - a feeling of being sent adrift, out into the ocean, completely helpless. I feel torn. It's this feeling that resulted in my last post. I spend most of my days in the company of someone whose immediate goal is to start a VC group in his university and, further down the road, become the CEO of some large company that changes the way we define our lives (I don't doubt for a second that he can't do all that and more). I spend my nights in the company of someone who despises that world and hates it for all of its supposed greed, whose immediate goal is to get the hell out of here, explore the world, and to really, truly live. To take a risk. A true risk. The equivalent of throwing yourself over the edge of a cliff, only half confident that your parachute is fully functional.

I don't know which world I fall into. I feel society's pressures, making me want to achieve all that I can and to really make it in the former, but it's the latter that's seducing and truly alluring. This next year will be about testing the waters of both, figuring out where I really belong. Or maybe it will be about finding common ground - of not having to choose. Why should I have to choose? Maybe it will be about finding compromise.

I'm thrilled, really, of what's to come. :) Both immediate (I love flights and car rides and bus rides and train rides) and further down the road.

Life is grand. One big adventure.

<3,
V

What I am

2011-06-28T21:58:00.002-04:00

The more I stay here, the less I feel like myself.

Or maybe the more I feel like myself.

I hope it's the former. I'm not sure I like what I'm becoming here.

<3,
V

Compatibilism

2011-06-22T22:40:00.006-04:00

Ever have one of those nights that are just so bizarre that you wake up thinking that they just could not have been real?

It must have been a dream.

But then you look around and you spot something - something that points to the reality of it all. The banged up door that won't fully close anymore, the broken mirror, the exhaustion I felt upon waking up, the empty beer bottle sitting on the bookshelf, the three books sitting in my room that he told me I had to read...

One of the things I hate about alcohol is that it distorts reality. He doesn't remember half of what I experienced, and that's probably because of what he had to drink. And that frustrates me. Alcohol can be such a cheap cop-out, such an easy way out.

I was up with him from 2:30 till 5 in the morning, trying to make sure he would hit some sort of stability. We talked about fate and destiny, since he said that it was the deep, tough questions concerning topics like those that really reveal who a person is. I sat with him on the porch steps while he smoked and we talked. What's funny is that there's no indication he remembers any of this. I wonder if he does.

There's a beauty to all of that. There's something absolutely breathtaking about the fact that in some twisted sense of what's real and what's not, these events may not have even happened. If I'm the only one that will mentally acknowledge that this all happened, then for all intents and purposes, maybe it is all in my head.

I remember standing in the middle of the street in my pjs when he went inside to get another smoke. He actually told me to stay there on the steps, to not move for two seconds while he ran inside. I got up and stood in the middle of the street and saw the first reaches of sunlight mix into the dark sky. It felt as though every single living being in the world was asleep at that moment, that I was the only one awake. It was one of the most calming moments that I could have experienced.

:) I love you all.

<3,
V

Dolls and accessories

2011-06-20T12:27:00.009-04:00

Maybe it's the coffee, or maybe it's the positive feedback I've been getting this morning from my conversations, but I can't stop smiling. It's a Monday morning, the weather's just perfect outside, I've got music blasting in through my headphones, and I'm feeling great.

----

I'd say the highlight of this weekend was almost capsizing the sailing boat my friend and I were in. We were given a straightforward answer to the question that always, always comes to mind when you first approach sailing: how many people end up capsizing? We were told approximately 10% of beginners capsize the first time - not bad, considering. My friend and I joked about us being that 10%. Had we been any slower in reaction, I would've learned to never joke about such things again.

----

I can already tell that one of the defining things about this summer will be the act of walking. I walk a minimum of two miles every day, from home to work and back again. I walk after work with my headphones jammed in my ears to take in Cambridge in all its afternoon glory. This weekend, I walked from Cambridge to Boston in search of Chinatown, only to end up two miles north of it. I'm walking, walking, walking away from how I was before. I'm walking towards a new sense of what my life will be in a couple of years. I've got no clear destination in mind, but at least I'm walking forwards.

----

Earlier today, one of my coworkers (that word sounds so cold and bland and tasteless, but for lack of a better word, it'll have to do) asked me for help on how to make coffee. There's no judgement here - I only learned about coffee filters and a tablespoon-per-cup when this internship started. After two years of drinking coffee like it's old H20, it's sad to think I only just learned how to make it myself. I may know how to read output from Stata, but I can't even make my own coffee in the morning. Absolutely typical of the 21st century, in many ways, and absolutely pathetic. But I digress.

After helping him, he smiled and said, "Thanks Viola. You're a doll."

I must admit that I am easily stunned senseless. My response was to smile and say thank-you-for-being-so-sweet. I know, not particularly impressive. Just replaying my reaction in my mind makes me feel ten different degrees of embarrassment. Such. A. Fail.

But honestly, that was the sweetest thing I've heard all day.

<3,
V

My Blues

2011-06-16T17:20:00.004-04:00

One of my last convos today over the phone ended like this:

"What's your name again?"
"Viola Li - "
"Were you parents Grateful Dead fans?"
"...Not that I know of..."
"Are you sure?"
"...Preeeetty sure..."
"How sure? They have a song called 'Viola Lee Blues.'"
"No way! And I'll double check with them, but unless the Grateful Dead was huge in China way back when, I kind of doubt it..."

That's pretty cool :) I love having conversations like that.

<3,
V

P.S. The song is funkaayyyy.

Sunday thoughts

2011-06-12T21:35:00.004-04:00

One of the good things about being somewhere completely new and alone is that you have plenty of time to think.

I was taking my daily walk around the area, and I noticed that no matter how lonely or lost I feel sometimes, everyone else out there has felt these exact same feelings at one point or another. I noticed just how many people walk the streets alone - headphones covering their ears, eyes on the ground, hurrying forward. It's a relief, really, to realize that you're not alone in your alone-ness. But for all of those alone-people, there are equally-alone people that will meet my eyes and share a smile with me before moving on with their worlds. I'm always glad that our lives overlapped for those brief seconds.

I saw a lot of things today that made me smile; so many things, in fact, that today was a great day, despite the gloom that hung over the city. I saw an old friend in a new place; I saw a meaty pitbull rushing to say hullo to his canine friends; I saw a little girl racing to keep up with her parents; I saw a church steeple; I saw sparrows.

I did realize one worrisome thing today, though. Apparently, when I am living alone and there are no meal plans or dining halls to turn to, I have a horrid diet. I've eaten turkey sandwiches (literally just two slices of wheat bread and a few slices of turkey meat) day in and day out for the past week. Yesterday, overcome with longing for something sweet, I rushed into a CVS and bought a bag of those new M&M pretzel candies and ate the whole thing. Still feeling unsatisfied, I managed to chew my way through an entire bag of sour gummy worms as well. I feel thoroughly sick just even recalling that moment xD. I've got to learn to treat myself well food-wise; boy do I miss dining halls and food that's ready for me, both cooked and paid for.

For some reason, today I felt a rush of the past and all of my old emotions. I can't help but wonder if sometimes enough just isn't...enough. I know life's uncertainties are what make life so fascinating, but sometimes the uncertainties drive me mad.

<3,
V

Xmen

2011-06-03T21:49:00.002-04:00

XMEN WAS SO AWESOME AHH! <3

I LOVE them all. Hehehehe. I'm such a dork! Cameo from Jackman was the best.

<3,
V

Not in Kansas

2011-05-31T23:22:00.004-04:00

I know I'll wake up tomorrow with the same exact feeling I had when I woke up today.

"How did I get here?"

First is the question of where I am. I'm in Cambridge, MA (one of my girlfriend's parting words to me were "Have fun in ENGLAND! AHH!"). I'm living in "Eric Hardley's" apartment in a two-story building with one other roommate. I don't know who lives in the apartment above us, but their WIFI network's name sheds some light on gender:"bitchesontop."

Mr. Hardley apparently hasn't been here for a while, because everything in my room had a generous layer of accumulated dust when I moved in Sunday. Another reason that I think that this place has been abandoned for a good while came from the proceedings this morning: my roommate and I attempted making coffee using some coffee Mr. Hardley had left behind, and it was only after we had taken a couple of sips that I noticed the 12/2010 expiration date. Coffee expires? Oops.

Other tidbits about Mr. Hardley that my excellent observational and deductive skills both observed and deduced: he's not an organized person, except with his noteworthy collection of books (which are both numerous in collective number and also a great selection, from Calvin and Hobbes comics to Dostoyevsky and even Graham Greene); he desperately wanted to get into HBS (and was hopefully successful?); he lived with a girl; he loved coffee.

But enough of that.

Now for the why: Why would Viola willingly leave home after not having been home for the longest time Viola's ever been away from home?

USGD. US Green Data.

As my roommate summed up so perfectly, this world is so screwed up right now. Gone are the days where children idled away idyllic summer days swimming with friends till dusk, and when they were older and their parents insisted on an income of their own, the children turned into teens with "fun" summer jobs as lifeguards and waitresses and cashiers for seasonal shops. Sure, there's nothing actually stopping kids these days from taking that particular road less traveled, but we all know that that's the equivalent of committing suicide a la future job prospects. Internships are the paving stones down that yellow brick road that leads to the Emerald City of cash inflow later on in life. And let's not kid ourselves. Money may not be able to buy love, but let's see dear Daddy Warbucks make it just one week on absolutely no money at all.

I'm looking back at that paragraph I just typed up, and I can't believe that my fingers even typed all that out. I really haven't changed that much. I swear. I'm here with USGD partly because of the internship factor (let's be honest), but primarily because I'm in love with the idea and cause of it all. But really, give me a break. These past three days have been unbelievable.

USGD's intern team (and pretty much entire team) consists of 11 people (including the two that started the company). Of the group, ten are guys. Of the group, nine are older than me (our coder is wicked as evidenced by him being fourteen, a middle schooler, and yet a creater of numerous iphone apps and whatnot).

I have so many thoughts on how I felt the first day, Monday, ranging from thoughts about how gender bias really is in the business world (although I'm hoping the real business world is better mixed than 91% male) to thoughts about how absolutely lovely it is here in Cambridge. This one post isn't going to cut it, but I need to get the bare minimum, thought-wise, written out.

Just a feeeew things I've learned:

Everything here is acronymified.
Weather in MA is not as cool as I thought it would be.
Our team is such a diverse group of people (minus sexes), each member bringing a unique set of skills to the table and a unique mindset about how the world works and ought to work.
Living with a random guy is infinitely easier than living with a random girl.
I love the energy of a start-up; the sky is the limit with all the energy I'm feeling with this group. Let's go, GO, GOOO!
Throwing yourself outside of your comfort zone is one of the fastest ways to really learn about yourself.
I need solid alone-time each day to be functional.
I'm tired right now.

More later :) Much love to you all - I miss you!

<3,
V

Summer Songs

2011-05-17T14:29:00.004-04:00

Home at last! :)

The weather keeps shifting; I walked through the field behind our house with Caddy after a rain shower, which left stains of mud on my white skirt. I said hullo to the brisk wind after weeks of silence; an hour later, rain was hammering down on the roof. Now I'm basking in sunlight, lying full-length on the couch.

I've been sleeping so much, but it feels as though I'll never make up the time I lost, never make up what I owe. But it's been wonderful trying -- at least 10 hours of sleep a night, followed by a heavy dose of naps. :) This is just how life ought to be. Being back at home makes my thoughts wander back to life pre-college. Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts...

For some odd reason, there's been a string of musical movies on TV. Finished watching Rent for about the hundredth time, followed by bits of this trying-to-be-super-diverse Cinderella, and now Across the Universe.

The bohemian lifestyle seems so alluring - so desperate and nittygritty but also so addicting. It seems to gobble people up and just spits them back out, indifferent to their hardships. There's something devastatingly beautiful about an inevitable end - "If train A leaves Chicago traveling 100mph and train B leaves New York traveling 150 mph and the distance between the two cities is 600 miles, how far from New York will it be when the two trains ~~meet~~ crash?"

Because the wind is high, it blows my mind
Because the sky is blue, it makes me cry

<3,
V

Science and Faith

2011-05-05T12:29:00.004-04:00

Last UJC trial of the entire semester lasted from 7:00PM till 3:00AM. We had over 120 pages of evidence. That trial has dominated my life for the past few days. Ohmygoodness, I am so SCREWED for finals! :)

But I feel SO happy right now. Maybe it's the lack of sleep, maybe it's the prospect of having to do ridiculous amounts of work, maybe it's cause I'm listening to the script, or maybe it's that I'm planning to see Thor tomorrow with a friend!

Ahhh, I can't stop smiling <3.

You can break everything down to chemicals
But you can't explain a love like ours

<3,
V

When the days were long

2011-04-25T10:04:00.006-04:00

Parachute has a new song that is absolutely to die for, whatever that means. What I really mean is that I've had it on repeat for the past few days. <3

I've been an emotional rollercoaster this weekend, and I kept thinking, "What the hell is wrong with me?"

Until it hit me. Life is good again, now that I know what's up! Today is 88 and sunny, and I'm feeling oh-so-perfect :). I've cleared out my closet of winter clothes, which have been replaced with tanktops and dresses and shorts. I've always hated long sleeves and their restrictions!

I've finally got that dream summer internship, after searching day in and day out. Then my dad comes along to tell me stories of internships that sound similar to mine in China, where they brainwash students and force them to stay with them and don't pay them and blah, blah, blah. My emotional self this weekend more or less crumbled. I am not some silly brainwash-able Chinese girl. I am not them, and I am not there. Sometimes I hate my roots. Sometimes I hate having China and all its experiences being hoisted upon me as lessons to be learned. I will learn my own lessons, thank you very much. I am not them. Sometimes, I am so un-Chinese.

I get it, I have finally gotten him, but sometimes it's tiring to have to bend myself over just to accommodate him. It's okay, though. Part of getting him is understanding what he doesn't say, because what he doesn't say is what I have always wanted to hear. I'm glad, though. I love him for his imperfections and his love of my imperfect self. I am glad that our relationship is not built on pretenses; we are so imperfect that it hurts sometimes, but at least he's not pretending to be something he is not. At least we are not pretending to be something we are not. I love him for that.

Today's trial was picture perfect. Zero nervousness. I felt so in control, so at ease. I loved it just oh so much!

The other day I saw the train passing through town. It was midnight, and I was standing on the bridge above the tracks.

All I could think of was running to the edge of the tracks, grabbing onto the rail, and hoisting myself on-board. If I fell asleep on that train, where would I have ended up? One weekend, I'd like to try that. A stowaway. Who would I meet and what would I see?

Summer is oh-so-close, and boy can I not wait. Home, swimming, friends, guitar, Massachusetts -- nothing but finals are standing in my way.

<3,
V

2011-04-18T19:24:00.001-04:00

YES!

You Get Me

2011-04-17T13:48:00.004-04:00

I'm dedicating this post to one of my dearest friends.

We were up till four in the morning talking. To be honest, you intimidate me sometimes. Since we first met last year, I never knew what to make of you. Don't get me wrong, you were always a best friend -- our group could not and would not be complete without you. But intellectually, you intimidate me. I know that if you were reading this right now, you'd scoff at that and deny, deny, deny. Inevitably, some of our thoughts and beliefs clash, and when they do, I feel it more than when I feel my disagreements with any of my other friends. I don't know how to explain it, but I work harder to explain my side of the argument around you, in hopes that you'll agree and believe in what I say.

Seriously.

You're the only one that consistently debates with me using philosophical arguments and logical reasoning -- it's not just emotions with you. You're not afraid to voice your thoughts, especially when you think I'm wrong. That's why I feel most excited about talking over things I've learned or thoughts I've had with you. I don't mean to brag, but I feel as though after all those debate tournaments and UJC trials and random courses here and there, I can at least tell when the person I'm debating with is worth my admiration and respect, and you are up there on that list. Really, really up there. Not many make it up there.

You remind me of myself. When you're upset, you stay in your room. You hate others seeing you weak and seeing you cry. You question the point of counseling when it comes to personal issues and depression, like I do, and you're so used to carrying the burden alone. You hate to burden others, because you know how lucky you are in life. But like I said, it doesn't make the hard times any less hard. That others are out there suffering a hundred times more than you doesn't make your suffering any smaller, any less worthwhile. Suffering is suffering. Suffering alone doesn't make it more dignified -- I don't think there's anything dignified about suffering. It's just horrible, plain and simple.

I know things are hard right now. I won't say I know what you're going through, because no one ever knows what other people go through. But I will say that I know it's been tough for you -- there is absolutely nothing more frustrating out there than not getting what you think you deserve.

I know that you have doubts about yourself and your faith and about your future. Like I told you last night (or rather, this morning), I wish I could show you what I see. You think that all of these things that have happened lately have just proven that you're not as strong and smart and beautiful as you thought you were. But even after you shared all of those setbacks with me, you should know that I don't think they negate any of the qualities that I admire about you. I see what you see - the disappointments and setbacks that you've shared with me - and even though I'm not experiencing what you experience, I don't think you're any less than what you were. It's so much easier to see all the great things about another person as an outsider - so much harder when it's you you're analyzing. I know one day you'll see what I see.

I'm glad you talked with me. I'm so lucky that you're in my life. So incredibly lucky.

<3,
V

Strummin

2011-04-13T01:50:00.004-04:00

Late night for hydrology. Too much to update, but all I really want to say right now is that the guitar in the beginning of this song caught me off guard. I don't know what it was about today, but I've just been listening to country all day. A break from everything else I've been listening to.

Arrrghhhhhhhh I can't wait to get my own guitar so I can just try that! It sounds so lovely! It feels like summer sunshine poured onto my face. In fact, if I close my eyes right now, I can feel its warmth smiling down on me, even if I hear the rain pouring down just outside my window...

Hope life has been treating all of you well!

<3,
V

Invisible

2011-03-31T16:11:00.004-04:00

No words, My tears won't make any room for more,
Woke up today feeling like I had been crying in my sleep
And it don't hurt, like anything I've ever felt before, this is
I felt blind with my eyes wide open -- panic
No broken heart,
Was just about to tell you I love you, don't leave me, forgive me
No familiar scars,
Couldn't get the words out
This territory goes uncharted...
Woke against my will, couldn't find my way back

Just me, in a room sunk down in a house in a town, and I
Sitting here alone, half awake
Don't breathe, no I never meant to let it get away from me
Can't remember when I last felt completely
Now, too much to hold, everybody has to get their hands on gold,
Awake
And I want uncharted.
But even with this perpetual sleepiness
Stuck under the ceiling I made, I can't help but feeling...
My mind wanders back to that dream, to you

I'm going down,
Finally, flying again
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Arms spread wide, soaring above you
Like you'll show me where to go,
If I close my eyes now
I'm already out, foolproof idea, so don't ask me how
I can feel the wind rushing beneath me again
To get started, it's all uncharted...
Someone heard my prayer

Each day, countin' up the minutes, till I get alone, 'cause I can't stay
I know I won't see you again
In the middle of it all, it's nobody's fault, but I'm
Your face already fades, and no matter what
So lonely, Never knew how much I didn't know,
I can't feel your presence there anymore
Oh, everything is uncharted.
But it's alright, it's okay
I know I'm getting nowhere, when I only sit and stare like...
I'll remember how I felt, when you were here
I'm going down

That song makes me sing, and Josh makes me :). Started watching House, and dear lord, I love that man. Love him and his wit and his general hatred of mankind. I don't care if he's 50 something, I'd totally have his babies if he'd have me. There's something about men named Hugh o_O!

<3,
V

I should be studying

2011-03-27T14:05:00.005-04:00

Just read this tiny tidbit from TIME magazine's top 10 most heroic animals:

Trained as a police dog in Halifax, Nova Scotia — where he worked for six years, helping to find more than $1 million in contraband — Trakr had retired in May 2001 before he and his trainer, Canadian police officer James Symington, drove 15 hours to help recovery efforts in New York City following the Sept. 11 attacks. Trakr was credited with locating the last survivor found beneath the rubble. Two days after arriving and searching for survivors the entire time, Trakr collapsed from smoke inhalation, exhaustion and burns and was treated for his injuries before returning to Canada. Later in life Trakr suffered from a degenerative neurological disorder that experts say could have been caused by his work at Ground Zero. Before Trakr died in April 2009, his DNA was entered into a cloning contest by Symington and was later chosen for use. In June of that year, five cloned Trakrs were born.

I don't know why that last bit freaked me out. Cloning contest? Five cloned Trakrs?

My insides feel mixed up x].

<3,

V

P.S.

This is beautiful. It makes me want to cry because life is so pointlessmeaningful sometimes.

Country Strong

2011-03-22T19:09:00.005-04:00

As I'm typing this up, I'm at work. The server's down, which roughly translates into me not being able to do anything at work. It's good times!

Rather than just type up everything about the trip, I think I'll just introduce bits and pieces here and there that get mixed in with my usual updates.

Stuck Like Glue is playing on the country radio station that Pat has playing. She switched things up today for about an hour with a generations radio station, but I must have missed something, because country is back. And that's not a bad thing. Newsflash: Viola actually sort of kind of maybe likes country music. One of the many developments in my life since I wrote in here before going to Assateague.

I'm getting nervous about finding a summer internship - they kind of remind me of college applications, and if they turn out the same way, well, at least I've had practice dealing with that. Things always work out for the better.

But back to country music; out in Assateague, aside from the local news station, country was all we had. Day in, day out, when we were on the open road and I would be chatting away with John about love and life and music while the others slept, country was playing in the background. It really does grow on you; when I told Michael at work about my new-found respect for country songs, his grin stretched from ear to ear. Some of my faves include When I Die Young (hate the version that Sam does, sadly) and This by Darius Rucker.

I've resolved to buy a guitar when I get back home. The first thing I'll learn is a Mayer song. He's all I've been listening to for the past week, when I get a say in the matter - I love him and his carefree singing. His voice is sex, and I'm being dead serious. The most romantic song I've heard in a long time has got to be Slow Dancing in a Burning Room - check it out! During the trip, I'd fall asleep and wake up hearing John singing and playing on his guitar, and my absolute favorite that he plays and sings to is Mayer's Heart of Life (this was before I had ever heard the song). One can't exactly lug a piano around wherever one goes, so a guitar would be my next best bet. I'm super duper excited! It'll be my little project.

My last thought before I drown myself in econometrics, which actually feels like a breath of fresh air sometimes amidst all my other classes (yay for pages of proofs!): I like building things. I've become more and more aware of the fact that my probable career won't involve tangibly building things like, say, an architect or an engineer do. On the trip, one of the things we did was to make cages of all different sizes to protect the native amaranth plants that are exceedingly rare. We were stationed in one of the national park service garages; tools of all different shapes and sizes covered the side of one of the walls, and I have to say, I felt like I was at home. Just being given a general description of what to make and having all those tools at my disposal to use was a wonderful feeling that, though my hands were bruised purple (I didn't know my hands could bruise) and stung under running water thanks to the hundreds of tiny cuts I got from that day's work, left me feeling happy. It brings me back to the days of my childhood, where Jan and I would construct miniature houses out of cardboard and furbish them with pieces of furniture we made. Good times.

<3,
V

Break and Back

2011-03-14T18:15:00.005-04:00

And I'm free, free fallin -----

I've tried writing this post five times already, and it just isn't working. My thoughts just aren't keeping in line. Picturing cars gunning it and changing lanes rapid-fire-like on a highway pretty much sums up how my mind works right now.

I'll keep trying, though!

<3,
V

LIFE IS A HIGHWAY, I WANT TO RIDE IT ALL NIGHT LONG

Don't Hold Me Down!

2011-03-03T00:22:00.002-05:00

A new look for a new feeling I feel!

Things are looking so up!

My UJC trial just ended, and I'm feeling more confident with each trial. This is what I want to *do* with my life, at least for a good couple of years. No more feeling like I have no direction when everyone around me is swimming steadily forward. I'm moving forward too! In LEAPS and BOUNDS, I'm rushing forward, so watch out world!

Today, our hydrology lab took place in the field. Our TA wasn't there (goshdarnit), but we loaded into three envi sci vans and drove thirty minutes away from campus. About five minutes out, we were suddenly surrounded by the countryside. It was breathtaking. Our little white van was blasting music (I actually heard the song that stands as the theme song to Chuck! I never knew it came with words! I never knew it was *that* particular song! Haha!). When we parked and got out, the world was silent. It felt like we were all that was in the area for miles and miles around. We were just 15 or so dorky hydrology students out there taking measurements. I'd like to spend some part of my life doing this too - doing something dorky and nature-like. :) One day. I hope to find someone who shares my love of everything outdoors. Outdoors, here I come!

Which brings me to my last thought for this post.

Assateague!

A whole week-long trip with awesome people to Assateague to help out with the Nature Conservancy. Work goes from 8am to 3pm, and after that, who knows? There's so much to see and do...the possibilities are endless! Being with people who love the outdoors just as much as you do is so exciting; everyone's up for midnight hikes and strolls along the beach (how romantic!) and biking around the island to see the miniature ponies. I'm so, so, so, SO excited.

Life, here I come!

<3,
V

Trade

2011-02-27T14:53:00.001-05:00

Give this, take that. Take, take, take.

<3,
V

It's Warm Here!

2011-02-17T20:38:00.006-05:00

I discovered a miracle today!

It was 70 degrees. I was not prepared for that. I went outside in my boots, long sleeves, and winter jacket. Mix all that with me rushing to class at noon because I was late, and I was dying of heat.

Then a thought hit me.

What do I do about coffee now?! There's no way I'm drinking that stuff pipin' hot when it's so warm outside. And it's just going to get warmer!

And then, as I pondered over this little conundrum over the span of a couple of hours, the coffee in my mug cooled to room temperature.

And then it hit me.

Iced coffee.

SCORE!

I also love it when my econometrics teacher drops terms like homoscedasticity and expects us to know what he means. Not. :) My goodness that class is a struggle.

<3,
V

Valentine

2011-02-14T19:11:00.001-05:00

❤

I've used the post title I wanted to use for this already

2011-02-11T10:41:00.005-05:00

I've got 15 minutes until my philosophy discussion starts. Hopefully I won't be targeted again like I was last time as the only person willing to speak that thinks that Winston Churchill actually should have informed all of London that they would be bombed, rather than let it be bombed so the Germans wouldn't know we cracked their code (is this even true?). Yes, we were discussing deontology and teleology. Fun times :) It's funny how the class was divided on this - girls on one side, guys on the other.

This week has been crazy. UJC is devouring my life. I'm in a constant state of nervousness and anxiety. I was in a trial from 6.30 till midnight on Wednesday (as an observer), in a trial last night from 6.30 till 9 (as a counselor), and there's one more tonight. Tonight's trial is equivalent to being stuck on train tracks, waiting for the train to hit. There's only so much you can do. I anticipate at least 3 or 4 hours. How to detach yourself? Gosh, there were so many times during these past few weeks that I just wanted someone to talk to. But everyone's so busy with their own lives, I can't help but shy away from reaching out. I think I'm regressing; I say even less about what's on my mind. I don't think that's a bad thing though; doesn't that just mean I'm more independent? I get that from my mom I think, who, for example, failed to tell me she was in the emergency room this past week when I called one night to stop me from worrying. She didn't tell me until the next day.

I couldn't...breathe that night, when I found out. I...

To anyone that's listening, if there's one person on this earth who deserves the absolute best, it's my mom. Don't do this to her. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please just know that. Please know that I would be lost without her, that I would do anything for her. If there's anything you need of her to set the records right, take it from me. Please, please, please, please, please, please...

I wish I could tell if someone was actually listening.

There aren't enough words, ever.

But things are actually going wonderfully, despite that previous bit, which I documented for the sake of documenting, not for the sake of alarming. Once I write it all down, it's as if it's finally done and put away. She said she's doing fine, and even though that's our family's patented response, I believe her.

I love UJC - I can't control how nervous I get, but when the whole process is underway, I feel like I'm part of something that's important. There's something to be said for student self-governance. Maybe it's because I'm so naive, but I always believe the accused students. I always think they're such wonderful people. Haha; this can only be seen as a benefit to them.

I was having a conversation with someone two days ago, and at one point, I said "I dig that." He said, "Dig, why dig? Dig for what?" That response caught me off guard; it was so surreal.

The superbowl commercial from Bridgestone makes me laugh till I cry every, single time I see it. Ahahahahaha. Modern family was especially wonderful this week.

I can't wait till tonight!

<3,
V

Goodbye January

2011-01-31T22:11:00.004-05:00

haha, Tina.

My mind has been so very busy with so many thoughts that are all jumbled up. I was so exhausted day after day for the first few days I was back at UVA, till I realized this was cause I had no coffee. This has been more or less permanently remedied.

Wednesday is coming up, and I am nervous for Wednesday for so many different reasons. But in reality, Wednesday is just 24 hours out of however many hours I will live through during my entire life. No matter what catastrophe takes place, those 24 hours will tick by, irrespective of anything that happens to little 'ol me. It's a both comforting and rather detached fact of life.

I'm doing lots of dreaming, lots of reading, and lots of thinking. Reading-wise, I just finished several chapters by Kymlicka about multiculturalism. Reading what he has to say gave me a mini-panic attack, until I realized how foolish I was being. He writes:

For the third generation, if not sooner, the original mother tongue is not unlike learning a foreign language. Learning the old language may be rewarding as a hobby or a skill, but for the children of immigrants, it is the anglophones which defines their options, not the culture from which they uprooted themselves."

I already have a hard time expressing myself to my living grandparents without making them laugh; I imagine it's funny hearing someone speak like a 5-year-old and look like a 19-year-old. But what about my children? Even if my husband *is* Chinese, what are the chances of us speaking Chinese to each other on a daily basis? Assuming he's like me and was born in the states, I feel comfortable saying that those chances are around 2% (and this figure is extremely optimistic of me). If he *was* born in China and has been in the states for a while, I'd say the percentage rises to about...8%. And if he's not Chinese at all? 0.00001% (maybe he'll have learned Chinese for some odd reason). And if I force my child to go to Chinese school (which I most likely will not), he/she won't have an environment that reinforces that learning. How will any child of mine even be able to communicate with my relatives (my cousins being an exception, since they know some English)? So unless I move to China and live there for the rest of my life, this is just worrisome. [end freak out]

A final anecdote from this week: I went with my parents to get a new phone when they visited (my old phone couldn't stay alive for an entire day anymore :( 'tis sad). A big, surly guy manned the electronics booth. I'm talking tats all over his arms and neck, a plastic piercing over his left eyebrow (which was intriguing - I actually liked it, although it simultaneously made him look like merchandise; he was just missing a tag with a price on it), and huge, metal omega-shaped earrings. While he was pulling up our phone plan information, I started singing "I will never say never, I will fight..." before realizing I was, indeed, singing Justin Bieber out loud in front of this big, surly guy.

At least I made him smile.

<3,
V

2011-01-25T01:46:00.000-05:00

muuusicpartydanceitupyes!

Eyes and Ears

2011-01-14T18:03:00.004-05:00

I made a startling discovery today.

I lie!

I discovered this in Florida, but that discovery was reemphasized today.

I'm going deaf.

Not deaf as in a-legit-doctor-came-and-told-me-so, but deaf as in my common sense is telling me that my hearing abilities have gone down, and therefore I must be nearing that point in which I cannot hear anything.

It makes me realize that so far this year, I have done lots of music-listening.

My iPod has become my lifeline - I listen to it when I'm walking to class, bussing to class, studying, running, etc. etc.

I had developed this idea that most teenagers do (ohmigoodness I'm not going to be in my teens once next July hits!): the louder the music, the more real-world noise you can drown out, the better. I think it stems from that certain age that I think most people hit when they want to say 'screw you' to the world. I have long-since no longer wanted to say those things, but the music-loudness idea has stuck around.

When I turned the volume down on my iPod to the lowest I could bear, my cousin still thought that it was louder than she was comfortable with. All of which is to say... to comfortably hear the song that I am listening to, the volume is practically 85% of the entire little bar. To blast music on my iPod is no longer possible. 100% is just medium loud.

Ohmigoodness, I'm going deaf! What to do, what to do?

<3,
V

P.S. This was a post in which I made a one minute thought of mine into several small paragraphs (I'm feeling extremely silly).

The Sunshine State

2011-01-07T21:19:00.002-05:00

I have been reading every day on this vacation (The Time Traveler's Wife, which happened to be almost-next on my list - I cannot for the life of me get through the first chapter of Wuthering Heights, so that is extendedtemporarly crossed off my list), so my almost-first thought when I come home is to write.

I'm freezing in this weather. Being in Florida makes you wonder why you'd ever want to have cold winters when it could be a balmy 70 degrees. My daddy wants to buy an apartment in Florida for him and mom and Caddy, and when I asked if he would ever miss snow, his response is always an emphatic no. At this exact moment, I share his sentiment.

My head is confused and feels left behind in a land where there are forests of pine trees mixed with dozens of palmettos stretching for any ray of sun that the towering trees above them may have missed. Where there are tiny armored creatures that bumble about next to the highway in the yellowed grass, choosing not to notice cars zipping by at 80 mph. Where cranes step through the vegetation as if they are the highest of royalty, which I don't doubt.

For the few minutes I am standing in front of the line to get tickets for the Magic Kingdom, I begin to worry if I am too old for this. I look left, and there is a mother trying to hush her crying baby boy, attempting to soothe him with a pacifier. I look right, and a father is pushing a stroller with two little children in it wearing Mickey and Minnie ears; alongside walks a five-year-old girl decked out in Belle's dress, miniature-style. But then I get our tickets, and I'm in the land 'where dreams come true,' and I forget to care. I asked about five fathers and two teenage boys that day where they got this shirt, and I am still dismayed that I never found it:

I actually felt like I was having a heart attack on several of the rides in Universal Studios, and no, they weren't even the big roller coasters. A little girl and her friend, both probably about a third of my age, had to talk me through one of the Jurassic Park water rides; they were surprisingly encouraging. The Harry Potter world in the theme park is astounding and exceeds all of my expectations. My cousin and I spent an hour just exploring the castle, dodging staff workers and ignoring ropes saying "Do Not Cross," and I felt just like Harry and Ron and Hermione, except without an invisible cloak, causing us to be caught by staff members several times. The butterbeer tastes like liquid sugar; it is so unbelievably sweet that I can't stomach more than a couple of sips.

It's a relief to find that there is still a little girl Viola in my head that hasn't been squashed by GPAs and future careers and stress.

---

I am a paradox of emotions right now.

It is funny how I am so relieved to be back; I need a vacation from our vacation - after days of waking up at 8 every morning, I cannot even begin to tell you how excited I am to have the option of sleeping until noon tomorrow. I am thoroughly exhausted from all the fun that I have been having.

It is funny how badly I did not want to come home from the Dulles airport. For me, it is always somewhat hard to come back after a vacation, but this time was especially rough. I can't say why (couldn't, really, even if I wanted to), but a part of me was dying to be elsewhere. I looked at my dad after we got off the plane and said, "Let's not go home and board another flight and go somewhere else."

"Let's do it," he said, probably only half-jokingly. I can understand why he does it, correction, why he's always been doing it - having a career, whether it be director of a study abroad center or being a field ecologist, that leaves our house -1 for a better part of the year. I need to travel, to be away from all of this, from what feels like a mess of a life sometimes. Perhaps this is because I am not done finding myself and figuring out who I want to be and what I want to do and what/who will make me happy, and I am scared that I still don't know all this.

I dreamt crystal-clear dreams every one of the four nights we were gone: Day 1) I almost get eaten by several alligators and watched someone else get eaten, Day 2) False word gets out that I like someone at school, and suddenly all my friends hate me, Day 3) A guy proposes to me, and I accept, and Day 4) I am teaching everyone how to fly.

Time to dream again!

<3,
V

Friday

2010-12-11T22:08:00.003-05:00

Friday night marked the one night of relaxation that I had coming until the night before I go home.

I spent most of it asleep, exhausted from what felt like the longest week I've ever lived through. My record time at the library was a little over 13 hours, and my average amount of sleep each night was probably around 2 to 3 hours. I've never woken up at 4 in the morning that many days in a row before. It was actually satisfying to see how much work I could get done before it was even 10.

I spent the other part of that evening watching a movie, like I usually do when I get free time and my friends are all busy. I decided on Brokeback Mountain. I can understand why that movie gets all the crap that it does, simply because some people are so afraid of anything foreign to them. But I can honestly say that it is definitely up there as one of the best, most beautiful romance movies I've ever seen in my whole life. I think the last romance movie I saw that came a tiny bit close to this one was for me was Moulin Rouge, and while I love that movie and its songs (I've even got the soundtrack on my ipod), this one definitely beat it out for me. And that was a little over a year ago.

<3,
V

Study Break

2010-12-09T10:23:00.002-05:00

Oh my gosh, funniest thing ever. You look like a creep, Jon :).

<3,
V

!

2010-12-05T15:13:00.001-05:00

Amidst my crazed studying, I have discovered something ridiculous.

I am in love with this man:

Holy snap. I should've realized this earlier; well, maybe not, because he's in the way of my studying! <3

Best of luck to everyone with their finals.

<3,
V

UVA bound

2010-11-28T22:51:00.002-05:00

Back to the grind. My mind cannot fathom waking up at 8 tomorrow to be at work by 9; to work for three hours, grab an apple for lunch, and run over to accounting class by 12:30; to sit in that room and listen to the professor talk about interest rates and loans; to drag my feet to environmental policy and listen about climate change for two hours; to go home, only to realize that the amount of work I have to do is piling up.

But this is alright. This is my reality for the next three weeks, but after three weeks, this will all be over. The days will be centuries, but the weeks will feel like minutes. I will be playing tug-of-war with Caddy before I know it. I will let her win, like I always do.

I'm reading now, because reading novels never really feels like work to me unless it's 3 in the morning and I have class at 9:30, and 100 pages are getting in the way of me and my bed. But it's not 3, it's only 10:57 at night, and I've got time. So this is not really work, not yet.

Joan Didion is writing to me about Sacramento - about the true California that I'll never know; Californians that have lived there all their lives may never even know about it. She's trying to tell me about the truth that she once knew:

"They will probably think that the Redevelopment has always been there, that the Embarcadero, down along the river, with its amusing places to shop and its picturesque fire houses turned into bars, has about it the true flavor of the way it was. There will be no reason for them to know that in homelier days it was called Front Street (the town was not, after all, settled by the Spanish) and was a place of derelicts and missions and itinerant pickers in town for a Saturday-night-drunk....They will have lost the real past and gained a manufactured one. But perhaps it is presumptuous of me to assume that they will be missing something. Perhaps in retrospect this has been a story not about Sacramento at all, but about the things we lose and the promises we break as we grow older."

As I type this, I have stopped to pause and think about this last bit, either because something in it rings true, or because it's the end of the chapter and creates a natural break.

What have I lost so far? Is what I've gained worth more to me? And what promises have I broken? None come to mind, but perhaps that's because there are so many that I, the liar that I am, have convinced myself that they were never promises to begin with. I don't like to think that growing older may entail some sort of loss or sacrifice on my part.

This may all sound fairly heavy-hearted, but I assure you that I'm quite warm inside - warm and fuzzy, curled up on a couch with a book and the heater bringing this room to a toasty 77 degrees. It's good to be back with the faces I see every day and the place that I've come to refer to as "home" to fellow UVA peoples. It's just the work that's daunting. But I'll see you all in three weeks!

And really, what is three weeks in the grand scheme of things?

<3,
V

Thanksgiving

2010-11-27T12:01:00.003-05:00

I can't remember a better Thanksgiving than this year's.
I absolutely positively love being home. Every day here has been so amazing that I wouldn't change a single thing even if I had a do over.

Thanksgiving for me consisted of baking a Paula Deen pumpkin gooey cake (two sticks of butter and a whole bag of confectioners sugar, for those of you that ate some) and brownies and traveling over to a friend's house for the biggest asian party known to mankind. I can't recall ever having that much fun at an asian party (or feeling that stuffed). I missed all of you so, so much.

Oh my goodness, I cannot even begin to describe how much I love you all.

Egads, I don't want to go back to work/classes/homeworking.

<3,
V

I want to be stoned if I'm going to be stoned at all

2010-11-11T05:12:00.002-05:00

It's crazy how quiet it is early in the morning.

I love it!

If you only read one thing written by Neal Cassady, let it be the "Joan Anderson" letter to Jack Kerouac. Possibly the best thing I could have read at this hour. Positively hilarious.

Pandora's playing: "She could be rainy days, minimum wage."

I'm wishing that in about three hours I didn't have to go to class, even though I'm doing all this reading and preparing so that I *can* go to class. Ironic, isn't it?

Truest thing I heard today (or yesterday, as it were) came from my accounting class. The professor said something that made all 150 of us in the classroom think that we were being let out of class ten minutes early. Backpacks rustled, chattering rose above and beyond whispers. "Wait, wait!" she cried out. We all laughed; we all love her. After getting us to settle down (no mean feat), she said, "This is the one industry where customers are more than happy to get less than what they paid for. I could let all of you out class right now, and you'd all be happy as clams."

Dig that.

Dig TIME and her and IT. GO!

Cassady's keeping me from economics. What a mess of average short run cost curves, marginal cost curves, sunk fixed costs, non sunk fixed curves cost total production nonsunk crap.

I type into google "Jack Kerouac notes," and google suggests a long list of "Jack Kerouac quotes," as if it knows what I'm searching for better than I do. I don't appreciate your lip, google. I know what I'm doing, even at this hour!

:)

<3,
V

Not quite finished, but a start

2010-11-04T20:46:00.003-04:00

I've been thinking about these things for a while. I had this post written up earlier today, and with some edits, here it is.

I feel ancient.
Ancient, ancient, ancient.
I can practically see the antique land itself, read the words inscribed on the pedestal.
That's how ancient I feel.
I have been dunked into a bucket, pulled out sopping wet, and then wrung dry. I have been hung up by my fingers and toes with wooden clips outside, waiting for water to evaporate. The sun is so hot; there are no clouds to offer me any relief.
I feel so thin. Like chili with all of the chunky taken out of it. I'm the red-brown soup left behind that no one likes to eat. People only eat chili for the meat.

This is both a good and bad thing.
First the bad, because talking about the bad first is like drinking a tablespoon of cherry cough syrup and then downing a can of coke to wash away the taste.
I feel like I've lost a part of me somewhere along this academic path to prove myself, to finally have something to show the world that would say, "To hell with you, and what you think of me." I am so tired of proving myself. I am tired of proving myself to me. I have forgotten how to talk to people. How do I talk to people again? How do I speak? I'm mute now.
I feel nothing. I hear news that terrifies me - how fleeting life can be - and I can't feel anything. This is a lie. I'm so worried. More worried than I care to mentally admit to myself. I'm so surprised I haven't broken down yet.

And now the good.
There is a lot of good to talk about.
I like to reminisce. One of the most romantic few seconds of my life were when you brushed my hair behind my ear while I was asleep on the bus. I savored that moment. You probably don't even remember. But I do. Girls don't forget things like that.
I fell in love with you just listening to you talk on the bus. I didn't glance over, not even once, but I fell in love with your words and your passion for what you love. I was drinking it all in, every last word you said.
How do I compete with that?
I meet so many people here that take my breath away with how much they love their life. Where they are, where they've been, and most of all, where they're going. It inspires me to search for how to fill that gap in my life. I'm getting close, I can feel it.
I have dug a place for myself in the office. I've been weaved into their daily lives. I have snacks packed for me by a granddaughter I've never met. I might as well have, since I know all there is to know about her. I have a folder with my name on it on Pat's desk. A folder of things for me to do. I don't have to ask for help every two seconds. It's nice. It's a nice desk job that offers me mental relief. I don't need to think. Just do.

I am weary. I need a rest. I need a break. I want a roadtrip. Maybe that is part of why I said yes. I'm also not good at saying no. That is something to keep in mind about me.

<3,
V

Half of My Heart

2010-10-20T14:08:00.003-04:00

Sometimes a song gets stuck in my head for days and days. Well, I lie. This happens very often. Today it was just one portion of a song, perhaps sparked by Yahoo News informing me of Taylor Swift and John Mayer's little love spat. But perhaps not. I love what he does with this last line.

If you want more love,
Why don't you say so?
Drop his name
Push it in and twist the knife again
Watch my face
As I pretend to feel no pain, pain, pain

It's a rainy, gloomy day. On days like this, it feels like I'm emotionally dead.

<3,
V

Hello November

2010-10-17T14:00:00.004-04:00

I haven't been posting on here as much. I'm sort of forgetting how to write on here. I've opened this page a couple o' times, written down two or three lines, and then just clicked 'save now'.

I feel like my life is slowly changing. First year seemed like nothing had changed about me fundamentally, but I feel some changes slowly creeping about. I can't put them into words: things just feel different. In addition, I think that these changes are for the best. For someone who gets freaked out by change, I think I'm handling this very well.

I had a chance meeting the other night that made me smile and smile - all the way up until I closed my eyes this morning. We came back from the rather devastating football game (especially considering that for me, it really was either UNC or UVA), and I swear I lost feeling in my hands, feet, and thighs (odd as that sounds); that's how cold it was. We walked for an eternity on the way back. Right as we turned the corner, we met a guy in our building (the first person we've met in our building thus far; I swear the others are either hermits or simply nonexistant). Finally, we have evidence of another living being; it's not just us. We talked for several minutes about the fact that he had no shoes on. I have in fact seen him several times, and, barring one occasion, he has never had shoes on.

It's good that I was happy, because the happy canceled out my extreme annoyance at being told to be quiet at 2 in the morning on a Saturday night. This would seem slightly understandable (but honestly, a Saturday night?), until you are filled in on the fact that we were being called out for 'laughing too loudly in our dorm' by a person who happened to walk by the building at that exact moment. Oooooh, that girl should have thanked her lucky stars that I was feeling happy at that moment. *roar*

I've come to realize, through work, that by age 65 I'll probably still act like I do now. Childish and sarcastic and everything else that I may be. Pat, who's been working in Business Services for the past millennium, acts just like my girlfriends. This makes me happy :).

<3,
V

SPCA

2010-09-24T13:24:00.004-04:00

My hands are bruised slightly purple thanks to the metal chain leash I used when walking Taylor, a male pitbull mix. I thought the skin would come off my hands, and the other volunteer's parting words to me were, "Get ready to have your arms pulled out of your socket!"

Taylor dragged me around the building until he finally ran out of steam and started acting sensible. This was after he jumped up on me, played tug-of-war with the leash and got out of his cage before I could secure him. But he rewarded me with a spectacular display of obedience near the end when he sat when I told him to. Taylor, you crazy guy. I love the way your forehead gets wrinkles when you're super duper alert. I love your spunk. I love that you had a metal leash when all the others had...normal ones.

I just came back from a two hour shift at SPCA in Charlottesville. They're a no-kill shelter that never turns away any animal that they receive. They're one of the first SPCA no-kill shelters in the entire nation.

I was overwhelmed when I got there. Dogs constantly barking and jumping up when you're trying to walk one in particular can make you jumpy; my nerves took a while to recover. Taylor and Coco Chanel got out of their enclosures before I could even get leashes on them. I almost had to drag Coco out of the cage to go for a walk since she was so scared. The thought of that still breaks my heart.

Two hours of walking four dogs made me exhausted in the fall heat (it's 90+ degrees over here!). I feel...sad. I almost feel like crying. I don't know why, except that I wish that these animals had homes to call their own. I went into the volunteering thinking that this would be a piece of cake, but it really takes getting used to dealing with dogs that constantly pull on their leashes and jump on you in excitement. That makes me worried. I'm sad because I can't do any more for them. Will other people see past those first impressions that may make the dogs appear to be more than most can handle? Or will they just see Taylor's crazy, hyper, leash-pulling characteristics and call it quits (or will they hear that he's a pitbull mix and think, "No way."?) Will they hear Piper's incessant barking and not see her love for attention?

It's even more sad when you think about how many animals are euthanized every year. It makes me upset, because we're the reason that they're being euthanized. And at the same time, breeders out there are still breeding pure bred dogs that sell for hundreds or even thousands of dollars. Why are we so selfish?

<3,
V

Poetry

2010-09-23T00:17:00.004-04:00

I've been assigned to read The Waste Land by T.S. Eliot.

This assignment is taking longer than it took me to read the 100 pages of required reading out of various novels that we explored beforehand.

Poetry is something that I generally do not enjoy.

There are exceptions, of course. There always are. Prelutsky and Silverstein are favorites that I grew up with (what child didn't?). The Jabberwocky is a personal favorite of mine. An Introduction to Poetry is also one that I enjoy. There have been some special cases of English teachers forcing poetry reading on me that I have found exciting. Special, special cases. Special. As much as I loved high school English (where I first read An Introduction to Poetry), I did not enjoy the two class periods spent on The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.

I view poetry as how many view modern art. I know there must be a deeper meaning behind them, but how I get from what I'm reading to that deeper meaning is beyond me. Most of the time I scoff at poetry. Most of the time I feel like anyone can write nonsense, break it up in seemingly random areas, and slap the label of incredible poetry on it. I have been shown haikus that have been lauded as the greatest haikus of all time. I can see nothing incredible about them. At all. And oftentimes, I really do make a concerted effort to see. Really!

I feel like my brain short-circuits when I read poetry. I feel as if everyone else has been distributed special poetry-reading-glasses, and I'm completely blind. Hehe.

Oh...poetry. What are your favorites? Maybe your love for them will make me love them too.

<3,
V

Dorian

2010-09-18T20:09:00.003-04:00

The tragedy of old age is not that one is old, but that one is young.

<3,
V

P.S.

BAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

:)

2010-09-14T00:23:00.004-04:00

Weekend junk!

I got the job I wanted! I had the most marvelous interview the other day for the job. It's called being a Student Businesses Services Specialist, and while I thought originally it would be clerical work, it turns out that they can have me do financing and communications with the various student organizations and groups in UVA. It was me and four of the adults working in the office. We were all laughing for about half of the entire interview, and it's the only time I've never felt any twinge of fear about an interview. I have never had that much fun in an interview; they're just such a wonderful bunch of people. They even asked me what animal I would be if I could turn into any animal...win! I'm super excited for work!

Foam party. Some highlights of the evening included there not actually being foam (we got there too late), but the whole party was singing the UVA rugby road song when we came in. You gotta love UVA. Dancing in sketchy basements is always fun. Chris Brown's Forever came on, and after "I'll take you away," a guy looked at me and went, "I'll take youaway. Do you have a boyfriend?" Funniest thing ever. Funny, funny night. Other details are best left unsaid.

Hiking. We had the most hilarious conversation on the ride to Shenandoah National Park - our car consisted of me, Adrienne, a guy who knew everything there was to know about football, a guy that is just awkwardly hilarious, and a girl from New Zealand. We hiked up, and by the time we did, it was already dark. The view was beautiful, breathtaking. When we started the hike down, it was pitch black. Of our party of 20 or so people, only three brought flashlights. We hiked down from Humpback Rock in single file, with one guy shouting out directions to watch out for sharp rocks or the edges of cliffs. With the flashlights turned off, I couldn't see my own hands right in front of my face. It was also cold enough to see your own breath. I've never been on a hike like that before. Funny stuffs.

Ranma 1/2. Finally finished the *entire* thing. Ranma was the first manga I ever read, and I hafta say, Ranma and Eyeshield 21 are tied for first place. I think Ranma may have won, though. I'm just so fickle =]. But it's more catered towards my tastes.

Economists's view or an ethics-based view for environmental policy? The economists' view is blind to the essentials, but it's the only way things ever get done in our world. Is that sad? I think so. We cringe at the thought of placing a monetary value on saving a life (around 8 mill for a person, around 8.7 mill for a baby), but without those numbers, we wouldn't care. What's wrong with us?

Gotta run. Life's moving at a mile a minute, and I don't want to miss it.

<3,
V

Lyrics

2010-09-09T17:15:00.003-04:00

I think the beginning of this song is beautiful:

Should've kissed you there
I should've held your face
I should've watched those eyes
Instead of run in place
I should've called you out
I should've said your name
I should've turned around
I should've looked again

But oh, I'm staring at the mess I made
I'm staring at the mess I made
I'm staring at the mess I made
As you turn, you take your heart and walk away

Should've held my ground
I could've been redeemed
For every second chance
That changed its mind on me
I should've spoken up
I should've proudly claimed
That oh my head's to blame
For all my heart's mistakes

<3,
V

P.S. Almost couldn't get home thanks to the Lady Gaga concert (no, I didn't get tickets. Sadly.). I finally found a seat next to a bunch of girls dressed up in nothing but caution tape. The most profound comment I heard on the bus that evening: "This is like halloween, but, like, not."

End of the week

2010-09-04T00:43:00.002-04:00

I love just...chilling...with people I love.
I love it.
Love, love, love.

By the way, I was rooting for orange shirt guy. I'm glad Nadal smiled in the end.

I stumbled across this while reminiscing on my Rent days for my Bohemia class. Just scroll to 3:03; it caught me off guard (the note in the original is epic as well). Love you Roger, Rodolfo, Rodolphe. However you prefer it.

<3,
V

You okay, honey?

2010-08-31T15:59:00.004-04:00

One week or so into school, and I am already mentally drained. More aptly put, I am so mentally full that I've become drained.

There is so much going on in my life right now. I'm struggling to hold onto everything, to keep everything from exploding in my face. I have to make this year count. This is my equivalent of ranting to a friend: I will simply dump everything on this page and hopefully feel less overwhelmed by the end of it all. This being said, some things won't make sense.

1) My classes. I love them all, but I'm at that point where I'm trying to do the assigned reading for everything when it's assigned. This is not physically possible, unless I forgo the usual human constraints of sleeping and eating. I'm already falling behind. On the plus side, my global sustainability project came into focus in my mind last night. This is something that I'm genuinely excited about, but not sure if it actually solves an issue or is simply my interpretation of a solution to the issue that fails to apply to everyone else (it involves something along the lines of a mock electricity/water bill being sent electronically to interested students, for those who care).

My bohemia class is something that makes me excited to get on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. Who knew that Roger came from Rodolfo (Roger happens to be infinitely better, though. Rodolfo is just too much in an opera). I borrowed "Rent: Book, music, and lyrics by Jonathan Larson" from the library today. This is something that I would love to personally have. I found out that Roger never acted before this particular stint on broadway, but that everyone was impressed by the raw emotion he gave his character (he was also described as a "smiley blond guy"). This is why I love his voice so much. I'm reading Bohemians of the Latin Quarter (which inspired La Boheme, which inspired Rent), and even though I have 175 pages due in two days, I'm thoroughly enjoying it.

Accounting is a class that I both dread and love. Things have not clicked in my mind yet, so I approach the material with anxious enthusiasm to have everything finally make sense. When it does, I imagine I'll fall out of love with it. Accounting, after all, remains a boring field of meaningless numbers in my mind.

Economics began with an overview of calculus and an attempt to reexplain the Lagrange Multiplier. I realized that I have forgotten every ounce of math that I ever learned. I also realized that the teacher, while adorable and funny, fails at teaching math. Making mistakes every two seconds is not entirely conducive to teaching your students the material. I'll have to work this out on my own.

Environmental policy and global sustainability have made me realize how much I love that topic. I know nothing about history (having retained nothing from my mediocre history high school years), but I've learned to regard Nixon as an environmental hero. How odd, huh? And Reagen, by the way, sucks.

All of the reading, though...I'm always reading, reading, reading. Urgh.

2) A job. I applied for three jobs upon coming back on campus and finding out that my Fridays are entirely free. I felt pressured to because of three main reasons: 1) I have open Fridays and would like to do something productive with them, 2) My father has berated me about getting and job, and 3) A friend of mine has a job and seems to be handling it well, and the competitive side of me says that anything she does, I can do as well. Money doesn't hurt, after all. Unfortunately, I also signed up for volunteering at the animal shelter, stating Fridays as my free days. Fridays have suddenly been completely filled up, depending on whether I get the job and get the volunteering slots. Once again, I've filled up my plate too quickly without giving it much thought. Running on enthusiasm alone never seems to get me far.

3) The gym. I've started going to the gym every other day, and when I come close to breaking this new trend, I feel awfully guilty. Somehow, while I enjoy the gym, it's become a burden in my life that I feel I must attend to. Luckily, it happens to be something good: working out on a regular basis never hurt anyone, right?

4) Love. Luckily, everything else has been taking up all of my time, so it leaves me little room to ponder this little conundrum. After talking with a friend, I reaffirmed my belief that there's absolutely no rush. Sometimes, though, things get lonely, and I feel myself wishing for someone who can fill that little void. Sometimes, people just want a significant other just to have a significant other. This is something that I would like to avoid.

5) Eating. My limited palette of meals that I can cook are starting to get to me. So far, I haven't gotten sick of sandwiches, sandwiches, and sandwiches, but it's not hard to imagine a day when I suddenly wake up and grow sick of them. My meal plan is out of wack, I'm worried about spending extra money on groceries, I don't want to make all my work at the gym go to waste, and all the while I keep thinking to myself: EATING SHOULD NOT BE THIS DIFFICULT. Of course, there are worse possibilities.

6) Living. We live...far away from campus. 20 minutes to get to classes by bus. I am tired of walking to places in 95 degree heat. Yes, I have degenerated into just general complaining by now. I apologize.

Whew! I feel a lot better. Thanks :3

<3,
V

Mixed

2010-08-29T23:39:00.003-04:00

One of my lovely UVA girls made me a mixed CD for my birthday. This was a bold move on her part - one that I really appreciate. I noticed, with amusement, that all the lead singers were male. Score! I'm slowly going down the list (one...at...a...time), but I'm absolutely in love with the first one so far (I'm only at the first song). So it's 1/1 so far!

I also haven't heard any of these before: it's interesting to see what she thinks I like. She's great at finding new bands/random songs; if you need some new songs, check out the CD she made me!

Island - The Starting Line
Let It Go - Cavo
So Contagious - Acceptance
Something to Hope For - The Undeserving
I'm Doing Everything (For You) - The Rocket Summer
The Worst Way to Retaliate - My Favorite Highway
That Girl Has Love - Rooney
Star Girl - McFly
Oh, It Is Love - Hellogoodbye
The Perfect Mistake - Cartel
Girl All The Bad Guys Want - Bowling for Soup
Punk Rock Princess - Something Corporate
Memory - Sugarcult
The Mess I Made - Parachute
Where You Are - Marc Broussard
Love Will Make You Beautiful - The Afters
Flavor of the Weak - American Hi-Fi
Fly Away - Ross Copperman
Always Be - Jimmy Eat World
Homecoming Queen - Hinder

<3,
V

P.S. GO MODERN FAMILY! GO CAM! <3

2010-08-25T23:09:00.002-04:00

"At present we are stealing the future, selling it in the present, and calling it gross domestic product."

Starting up again

2010-08-22T18:01:00.005-04:00

Waking up, frying eggs, and sitting down at the kitchen table with a box of Kix makes this feel like home. But it's not; not quite. (Just wait till Brian gets here!)

We have four sets of pots and pans, about 80 rolls of toilet paper, and four huge packs of paper towels. The TV sits in front of four couches. It's getting there.

It takes me 30 minutes of power-walking to get to my classes. I don't wake up to sounds of closing dorm doors further down the hallway anymore. I don't see the old faces that I grew accustomed to over the span of a year. Maybe I should've said something when I could have.

I'm excited for the school year. I grow restless with nothing to do - classes mean readings to complete, which I actually find I miss. I rest assured that ties from my other life will hold true; those that matter, at least.

Watching the Dark Knight tonight with the girlies. Finally, no excuses need to be made to stay up past 2.

Playing the piano on spoons,
V

My Post for This Evening

2010-08-19T22:42:00.001-04:00

You are awesome.

:)

2010-08-06T09:01:00.001-04:00

I feel :) right now.
Hehe.
If only we had time during high school to be like this. :(
In any event...:)

<3,
V

heart

2010-08-02T19:30:00.004-04:00

Rewatching old Gilmore Girls episodes. Lazy summer days are here indeed.
Oh, Luke.

<3,
V

P.S. I know these are short/meaningless posts. I'm working my way up, mkay?

Smile

2010-07-30T15:18:00.000-04:00

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed
Sing like a bird
Dizzy in my head
Spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night

You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold
Buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile

<3,
V

2010-07-29T15:51:00.001-04:00

Summer's never looked the same.
0:33 is sweet stuff.

?

2010-07-22T11:30:00.003-04:00

I don't know how to update this. o_O

<3,
V

Testing, Testing...

2010-07-07T15:55:00.001-04:00

I think I'm in love.

<3,
V

Hahahaha.

2010-05-20T22:05:00.003-04:00

Oh wow.

Took two Claritin-D 24 hour pills this morning. Yes, that's right, I'm 18 and I managed to overdose on medicine. Fail.

After a frantic call to the Claritin company, I was relieved to find that death was *not* among the possible side effects. Call me crazy, but in the scare of the moment, I thought it was very possible. Instead, she read off a laundry list of symptoms that, individually, didn't sound too terrible.

So now I just feel wacky and loopy. But at least I *should* get a really good night's sleep. Drowsiness was supposed to be the number one side effect!

<3,
V

A New Start

2010-05-19T23:17:00.004-04:00

Today is a new beginning for me.

Things felt...different today. Horrible at first (I despise that feeling. I hate it to *death* Feelings like that make you think that it actually would be better to not feel at all), like some nightmare that I hadn't woken up from, but then perfectly clear and calm. There are some moments in your life that feel so despairing; like you've fallen into some gigantic hole, and try as you might, you can't manage to scramble out of it. There's no one there to help you, even those closest to you, because you can't let them know, not until after the fact. But then something small and seemingly insignificant comes along and lifts you clear out of that horrible moment. Something like that came along today, but instead of just lifting me out of my horrible moment, it lifted me straight into clarity. I feel so at ease.

This summer is shaping out perfectly.

Oh, and also, you should watch How to Train Your Dragon. It managed to kick Lion King and all the others out of second place in the line of my favorite animated movies of all time.

<3,
V

Thoughts

2010-05-08T13:03:00.008-04:00

It won't hit me until next year starts that first year is over. It was like this for high school; I never realized that high school ended until I arrived at UVA, feeling very much alone. But look how wonderfully that turned out! This summer will be exciting.

I woke up this morning after a really bad dream about some demon cat. I told you they were evil. But I also woke up with tons of random music lyrics just floating around in my head. I need some new songs. You know how you link some songs with some events in your life and just hearing them makes you feel a certain emotion? I have a couple of those; three immediate ones that come to mind are: Pressing On (Relient K), Big Girls Don't Cry (Fergie) and Everything (Michael Buble). But yes, I need some new musics! Recommendations are appreciated, por favor!

This is just therapy
Let's call it what it is
(Not what we were)
With a death-grip on this life always transitioning
This is just therapy
Cause you won't take my calls
And that makes God the only one
Who's left here listening
To me
There might have been a time
When I would give myself away
Once upon a time I didn't give a damn
Been there, done that, messed around
I'm having fun don't put me down
I'll never let you sweep me off my feet
I'm on my way so don't close that gate
If I don't make that, then I switch my flight
And I'll be right back at it by the end of the night
When I climb the stair
And turn the key
Oh, please be there
Still in love with me
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me, it happens all the time
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
I hear it's such a long way down
And the climb back up ain't as easy as it sounds
I hear it's such a long way down
And the climb back up is just something I can do without
Something I can do without
Was it his lying or his pride
That brought him down?
Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And everything you do

<3,
V

Finals

2010-05-04T20:23:00.005-04:00

Quick update:
Iron Man 2 looks interesting, but I have to say, Mickey Rourke's character looks AWESOME. Whoa, I am super excited to see it just to see what his character will be like. Hehe. Epic.
-----

Step 1: Get situated in Clemons

Step 2: Make a playlist on Grooveshark

(Adam Lambert) Whataya Want From Me
(B.o.B. ft. Hayley Williams) Airplanes
(OneRepublic) All the Right Moves
(Neon Trees) Animal
(The Script) Breakeven
(Relient K) Forget and Not Slow Down
(Relient K ft. Owl City) Terminals
(Relient K) Therapy
(Relient K) I Don't Need A Soul
(Backstreet Boys) Bigger
(Lady Antebellum) Need You Now
(Safetysuit) Apology
(Safetysuit) Stay
(Mariah Carey ft. Ne-Yo) Angels Cry
(Michael Franti & Spearhead) Say Hey [I Love You]
(Timbaland ft. Daughtry) Long Way Down
(Lifehouse) Halfway Gone
(Coldplay) Viva La Vida

Step 3: Press "repeat all"

Step 4: Study for five hours

Step 5: Repeat every day for the next week

<3,
V

Coke

2010-04-29T16:38:00.002-04:00

Apparently girls prefer Pepsi and guys prefer Coke.
I am a Coke girl. A couple years back, Coke was my lifeline.

This is the best commercial I've seen so far.

RELIENT K

2010-04-29T00:14:00.012-04:00

*I apologize in advance if this post is incoherent. It's a Wednesday, I didn't sleep as much as I would have liked, and I've been jumping up and down for the past 3 hours. It's all good.*

My legs feel like jelly, my voice is nearly gone, and I feel kinda dirty all over.

Tonight was freakin amazing. Epic. Holy crap, this was an AMAZING night. What an awesome first actual concert experience. My plan is to go to at least one for the rest of my college years. Also, if Relient K ever happens to be in the area, I'll go no matter what the cost.

Relient K, you will forever be my favorite band. I was right in thinking you were the best for all these years. I love you guys! Your lyrics are witty, hilarious, and epic, complete with the occasional complicated, SAT-like word. Matt Thiessen, you sound mind-blowingly awesome live (I forgot who told me that they weren't as good as Switchfoot live, because I sincerely doubt that). Paramore was spectacular as well. I never thought I could have that much fun listening to a band I hadn't listened to much before, minus a couple of songs. I gotta get on the task of listening to their songs more often.

I found a guitar pick that Jeremy Davis had thrown out into the crowd (which, by the way, was hilariously un-diverse. We three were about the most diverse group within a mile of that place), which is awesome for many reasons, two of which include: 1) Free Paramore stuff to remember the evening by and 2) A guitar pick that he (who was by far my favorite; his stage presence and energy is just something else, which probably all just added to his overall attractiveness to me) had used during the concert. They also threw out water bottles, which made me laugh. I'm not sure if my immediate reaction would have been "WHOA! PARAMORE WATER BOTTLES! MUST HAVE ONE!" or "WHOA! A FULL WATER BOTTLE IS BEING THROWN AT MY FACE. MUST DUCK/RUN OR RISK PHYSICAL INJURY." Fun, fun.

Sadly, I didn't get to meet anyone after the concert except some band members from fun, since Paramore and Relient K were elusive and didn't come out at all. Still, what a great night. What sucks, though, is that tomorrow is Thursday, and I have four classes. Poo.

(Lisa, if you read this/see this, please excuse the photos below. I have nowhere near your excellence in photography. I am also very sad you weren't able to make it; next time, for sure!)

<3,
V

P.S. For a few hours there I felt like I was drowning alive. Life looks so bleak sometimes. Five finals next week? How can I possibly do well on all of them? Especially with all of the past students telling me how impossible this final was and how hard that final was. I just want to do well. I just want to do well. I just want to do well. Words are reverberating inside my mind, to the point that it feels like my head will split clean in two.

I buried my head within my arms as I collapsed on the table, my face hidden from the world by my hoodie. Sometimes life is just too much to handle without the help of someone else. With nobody there for immediate help, I turned to Relient K for some support, and their music saved me, as it always does when I go to them. Some things are hard to explain. Besides, what good do "what if"s do? I owe you guys, even though you'll never know the effect your music has on me.

Letting it all sink in, it's good to feel a sting now and again.
I hope it's one less woeful thing there is to fight through.

Letting it all begin, fresh paper and a nice expensive pen.

China

2010-04-24T17:09:00.010-04:00

Mini-update: This is random and not at all related to anything below, but it just hit me how much I love the song Viva la Vida. Its lyrics are up there with Drops of Jupiter by Train. Gosh, I love the lyrics!
---
Finals are coming up. After this next week, all of my five finals are crammed into the span of five days. I'll most likely be heading home on the 8th. On the 25th, I'm off to China until the beginning of August. It's official: my first year of college is coming to an end.

What have I learned?
My immediate inclination is nothing.
But that's the sarcasm in me!

I've learned a lot. Really.

But rather than list off all the things I've learned, I'd like to use this post and talk about China!

For sixteen or seventeen years, I thought that China and I had a fairly poor relationship. A poor relationship I felt no need to fix, or even attempt at fixing. I don't have any relatives in the U.S., except this one family in New York that includes my mother's father's sister's cousin's...something or other. I hardly think that counts. But really, aside from my immediate family, I felt as if everyone else related to me were of a completely different species. What do we have in common, lifestyle-wise? They could never understand the problems that my mother and I have had living in the U.S., often alone. They certainly wouldn't understand my lifestyle, my likes and dislikes, the problems I've gone through, the worries and hopes I have for my future. We were different, and that difference was enough to prevent them from ever entering my thoughts, aside from the occasional hated, forced international phone calls.

I have a few memories that stick out from my earliest visits to China. My first memory is what, perhaps, rooted my rather deep dislike for the place and those involved. We had gone back for the funeral of my mother's father and mother. It was a huge blow, but one I didn't understand. I only knew that my mom, the strongest person I know, was crying, and I wanted to be there with her. But someone (I still don't know who, nor do I really care), blocked me from following after her. She disappeared with a couple of relatives into a room, and I was left standing outside. My mind, at that age, couldn't comprehend that someone, whom we saw perhaps once every four years, would dare separate me from my mother at her time of need. My mind still doesn't. Other memories revolve around a range of important to petty things. For example, I still remember the depression-like state I was in when my mp3 player ran out of batteries during one visit. There went my last tie with the U.S. for the next few weeks. Another memory of mine details having food poisoning thanks to some sausages I had eaten and being stuck indoors for several days, watching Catch Me if You Can over and over again (with Chinese subtitles blocking part of the screen, no less). I still recall my feelings of disgust at the specks of dirt left on the windshield of the car we were in when it rained in Beijing. I still remember the feeling of hatred bubbling up in me from occasional stories I heard that never fully went away. All in all, for some reason or another, I always felt an underlying resentment and frustration towards China and my relatives, which most likely resulted from my pride and stubbornness.

Learning Chinese in college has changed some things. At the very surface, I'm the one choosing to learn Chinese this time around rather than being dragged every Sunday to Chinese school, which I thought (and still think) was the biggest waste of my time. Two of my cousins came to visit me at UVA with my mom several weeks ago. They complimented me on my Chinese, telling me I had gotten much, much better (which makes me wonder what they thought of me before). We were not so different, it turned out. That may seem silly, and perhaps it is, but aside from family, I honestly thought we had nothing in common. I would go as far to say that I didn't really want to have anything in common with them. Yet, they had heard of a few songs I listen to and thought they were neat. I talked with one of my cousins for a while about the movies we both loved. We laughed at the same things, we smiled at the same things, and I was sorry to see them both go.

The prospect of going back to China in a month excites me. I feel as though I have a new appreciation for things, coupled with a willingness to embrace a part of me and my family that I have long since purposefully ignored. There will be, of course, some gaps that I won't be able to fill in, nor would I want to fill in. I'll probably always answer that I feel more in tune with my American side than my Chinese side, and I'd honestly like for it to always stay that way. But it's about time that I came to appreciate my extended family and its history.

China! Here I come! After I get through finals, that is.

<3,
V

"Gone, let it wash away the best I had.
I'm gone, and when I disappear
Don't expect me back.
Don't expect me back."

Working On My Roar

2010-04-18T21:27:00.007-04:00

"The heresy of heresies was common sense. And what was terrifying was not that they would kill you for thinking otherwise, but that they might be right. For, after all, how do we know that two and two make four? Or that the force of gravity works? Or that the past is unchangeable? If both the past and the external world exist only in the mind, and if the mind itself is controllable - what then?"

LionKing|Isitmeyou'relookingfor?|Frisbeeatmidnight|Lotsandlotsofcandy|
SethAaronyouareagod,nojoke|EatingwithStephen|Talkingwhenyouhavenocommoninterests|
ThathorribleclimbbacktoJohnson|Lazyingaroundfoolingaround|Miscommunication|
TSANightMarket|Meetingnewpeople|Laughingatflourcoveredfaces|
"I'vegotaheartonforyou"-really,nooneelsegetsit?|Pianopractice(2)|
Inaperfectworld,we'dneverhavetofacetheworldalone|Idon'tliveinaperfectworld.|
Bachallnightlong|YOUWEREAWESOME!|Ridingtheelevatortofloor7|BeautyandtheBeast|
I'mdoingwell,I'mmakingprogress|Anewfriendrequest,the3rdI'veevermade|Breakfastinthecold|
LionKing2|Kovuisonesexylion*rawr*|Howthehell'dweenduplikethis?|
Strikedoutthreetimes,thisisbad|UJCwithmydearfriend|Dinner,"Guesswho'shere??"|
Frisbeeagain|NowI'msittinghereabouttostrikeouta4thtime|Someonesaveme|
Havingtroubletypingnormallyafterallthis|He'sfinallyshowingstepsofmovingforward;
RightatthetimethatIwanttotakeseveralstepsback|Someonesavemefrommyself|
DreamsofsomeoneIcarednothingfor,butnexttimeIseehim,itwon'tbethesame|
Whenyou'redreamingwithabrokenheart,thewakingupisthehardestpart|
Luckily,Idon'thaveone;atleast,I'llneveradmittoit|
Thatbookmademefeelreallysick;bothmentallyandphysically|

"It struck him that in moments of crisis one is never fighting against an external enemy but always against one's own body."

<3,
V

P.S. I found this on my camera today. <3 It made me smile.

The more I see, the less I know...

2010-04-11T19:12:00.009-04:00

This song warms my heart!

Books and Things

2010-04-09T21:29:00.006-04:00

“Do you think I can stay to become nothing to you? Do you think I am an automaton? – a machine without feelings? And can bear to have my morsel of bread snatched from my lips, and my drop of living water dashed from my cup? Do you think, because I am poor, obscure, plain, and little, I am soulless and heartless? You think wrong! – I have as much soul as you, – and full as much heart! And if God had gifted me with some beauty, and much wealth, I should have made it as hard for you to leave me, as it is now for me to leave you. I am not talking to you now through the medium of custom, conventionalities, or even of mortal flesh: – it is my spirit that addresses your spirit; just as if both had passed through the grave, and we stood at God’s feet, equal, – as we are!"

----

I've started on a new project. Courtesy of Facebook, I saw that one of my friends had put up a list of 100 books that everyone ought to read. I quickly glanced over it, and truth be told, I'm super excited. The novels range from well-known classics to more modern stuff. Of course, I'm fairly disappointed they left out the Bartimaeus Trilogy and the Poisonwood Bible, but I'll forgive them.

First up is Jane Eyre, by Charlotte Brontë.

The copy I borrowed from Alderman is a navy blue hardback. The only inscriptions on the outside are on the spine; the front and back are completely blank. Odd. I flipped it open to the very back, where I found a slip of paper detailing due dates from previous check-outs. The first reads 3/24/82, followed by 10/6/83. The book I'm holding in my hands dates back to over 30 years ago. The pages are frail and yellow, and every now and then, I'll come across a faded, scrawled note or two. "Synaesthesia," reads one, "Romance - moon/nature: PAGAN," reads another. Checkmarks are sprinkled next to certain passages, drawing extra attention from me. I feel like I'm following in a previous student's footsteps, catching whispers of their thoughts as they worked to digest the very same words I'm reading many years later. Fascinating. My plan is, once I'm finished reading, to write a sticky note with my e-mail and a request to e-mail me and place it next to one of my favorite passages from the novel. Who knows? Maybe 30 years from now I'll get a message from a curious UVA student. Hopefully I won't forget about this and count it as spam and ask them to stop writing me (xD).

Next is Wuthering Heights, but I may skip ahead to 1984 by George Orwell just to take a break from Brontë.

In other news, through passing conversation, I remembered that one of my first CDs I received/purchased was by Hoobastank. I remember thinking their name sounded odd, almost dirty (haha). I can't recall what happened to it; part of me thinks that I left it in the CD player of some car we rented many years ago when we were on vacation. I've done that at least twice. Nonetheless, I can still recall that two of my favorite songs by them were "Running Away" and "Crawling in the Dark." (This is random, but the lead singer reminds me of John Cusack. Hehe.)

My favorite lines are:
How much further do I have to go?
How much longer till I finally know?
Cause I'm looking and I just can't see what's in front of me,
In front of me.

I often ask questions like that. But I suppose that's the beauty of life: the mystery.

<3,
V

Spring

2010-04-07T14:53:00.010-04:00

There are several reasons that I hate spring:

1) It's cheesy. Corny. I mean, flowers popping up everywhere, bees buzzing, birds chirping...how much cheesier can you get? It's the time of the year that mother nature decides to put on the world's most cliché performance, complete with colorful flower petals that fall from above and cover the floor. Puh-lease. Also, contrary to what some may think, I don't enjoy being woken up by birds incessantly yapping outside of my window. Sure, it's all fine and dandy when I'm awake, but who wants to be woken up by that noise before you're actually ready to wake up? Not me. If you say otherwise, you're just kidding yourself.

2) It's temperamental. One moment it's hot and humid, the next it's a torrential downpour. It's like that horrendous Katy Perry song. It's been 90 degrees these past two days, and on Friday, it says it's supposed to be 60 degrees. Tonight calls for isolated thunderstorms. Give me a break.

3) It taunts you. We all have finals coming up, and yet when the weather happens to be beautiful, it also happens to be the day before an exam or quiz for me. There's nothing worse than sitting indoors studying for statistics when you can see people playing soccer or volleyball outside. I don't enjoy being made fun of.

Truthfully, I like flowers (my name IS Viola, after all) and bees and birds (especially their songs). I hate spring because it's the only season that makes me feel like I've died every morning. Wouldn't you grow to hate the time of the year that makes you feel like crap, even with medication? It makes me cringe when I pass by parking lots: I can see the layer of pollen covering the cars. Worst of all, pollen comes in the color I dislike: disgusting, filthy yellow.

I'm just bitter, I know. =] I actually do love the weather.

On the bright side, everyone else seems to be happier during spring, and that makes me happy too. A lot of random occurrences have made my last week enjoyable despite all the business, but I won't bore you further by listing them off. Instead, I'd like to move on to a random topic: Tom Hulce (which will probably bore you even more, but that's alright).

I finished watching Amadeus (I highly recommend it; if you don't believe me, then maybe the eight Academy Awards it won will convince you). Tom Hulce portrayed a childish, mischievous, lewd Mozart. I loved his acting (his laugh is hilarious to me, not creepy), his mannerisms, his way of talking. What's even better is realizing that he was the voice for Quasimodo in The Hunchback of Notre Dame. What's even better than that is realizing that he sang the song "Out There." (I think it may replace Go The Distance as my favorite Disney song of all time. We'll see.) You go Tom Hulce. <3

<3,
V

Welcome to March (April)

2010-04-01T15:10:00.008-04:00

Case rescheduled.
--
These next five days are going to be death for me.

Yesterday, I watched my first UJC (University Judiciary Committee) trial as an observer. Just the trial, not the preparations that took place up till the trial (meeting with your client, preparing opening and closing statements, etc.).

Today is my environmental science class's exam, worth 1/3 of my grade.
Today is also an economics quiz, which, in observance of my environmental science exam, I have not studied for.
Tomorrow is a Chinese exam that I have not studied for, again, due to my environmental science exam.
Tomorrow is also the day that my essay is due, which I have not started, and my homework, which I have also not started.
Tomorrow is also the day that my statistics homework is due, which I have not started.
Next Tuesday is the day of my economics exam, worth 1/4 of my grade.
Tuesday is also the day of my statistics quiz, which, all combined, are worth 40% of my grade.

Today, I received an email notifying me that I have been assigned to a case to take place on Monday (four days away) because the original counselor had been reassigned. At first, I thought it was an April Fool's joke. Usually, you receive these notifications about a month or more before the trial is set to take place (the original counselor got this case near the end of February). Usually, you meet with your client for the first time several weeks before the trial. I'm meeting with my client on Monday (the only time available for my client), 6 hours before the trial. Because my mentor has not had a case in a month, I have not seen the entire process of meeting with your client, preparing for the case, and then presenting it at trial. Talk about hitting the ground running.

I panicked this morning. I was so panicked that I couldn't even cry from frustration. I couldn't function mentally. All I could do was stare straight ahead, thoughts whirling around my mind, chewing on candy.

But now I'm excited.

Super excited.

My first case is coming up. As a counselor. I'm going to be a counselor in a trial for a dean.

I am so, so, SO, excited. Nevermind the complete lack of time that I'll have to prepare for it. Nevermind that I have a million and two things to do.

I'm just excited.

<3,
V

P.S. HAH! I'm so out of whack that I didn't even notice I wrote March instead of April. Thanks Tina.
P.P.S. HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON: por favor, yo quiero ver! (my crappy Spanish skills at work).

11:11

2010-03-25T21:44:00.006-04:00

The first half of today felt like my own personal gift. Someone saw fit to grant me several hours of bliss, of clarity, of pure happiness. Thank you. I cannot believe I felt that happy on such a cloudy, dreary day. I was taking steps forward, so sure of what had to be done, what I had to do to get to where I wanted to be. I walked through faceless crowds with a genuine smile on my face. The smallest of things filled me with delight, along with all the big things (I finally figured out how to unlock my bike!). Conversations made me smile long after they were done.

I walked across the Lawn, and the wind was there to greet me, tousling my hair, reassuring me. I still look there for support.

I have been so filled with doubt about everything; not quite sure of where to step next, lest I fall and there's no one and nothing there to catch me. I wanted some sign, some hint, of what to do, but of course, such things never come easily. The answer is never given to you; it's something you have to find within yourself. I have found my answer, probably been aware of it for some time now, but it's not the easy way. I want to believe that I am strong enough to follow it, even if it may lead me down a path where my dreams and hopes don't cross with reality. What have I been wishing for for all these days? I had been saving up wishes, wishing for the exact same thing. I was diligent about it. Where have my wishes gone? Unanswered, perhaps, but I don't think the world is that cruel. I realize now that perhaps my wishes just needed to be changed. I am starting to be able to face the delusion that I had built for myself. I used to be so scared that the decisions I made wouldn't lead me to my happily ever after. I will find that it's okay that my dreams aren't the truth. Reality can be as beautiful as the world my crazy imagination had built for me. Even if it's not, I will find its own unique beauty, one that my imagination could never have come up with. I don't need to be able to fly to know what weightlessness feels like, to feel the wind on my face and the vast expanse around me.

The moments that are the hardest to get through will always pass. That's what I believe. That's the truth.

<3,
V

P.S. So long, March!

Random 2

2010-03-25T00:30:00.002-04:00

Please excuse this juvenile blog post.
---
I just love, love, LOVE, love, LOVE (times one million!) this manga. I have fallen in love with the characters in it. It is by far my favorite manga that I've read so far (whoa!!). Wah. I love it. Go read it. It's amazing. Hehe =3.

Eyeshield 21!

Oh crap! Should be studying! *scampers off*

<3,
V

2010-03-22T17:00:00.002-04:00

Never lose sight of your goal.

Update: My fortune cookie says: "You will be successful in everything." I accidentally ripped a bit of it when I was laughing. <3

Insomnia

2010-03-16T10:33:00.010-04:00

I've had trouble sleeping lately.

I try to be a good student-daughter-person and sleep by 1, and I've been successful insofar that my head hits my pillow before my clock flashes 1:00 AM in angry, red numbers. I lay there, staring at the glow-in-the-dark stars pasted on my ceiling. For the past few days, their reassurance of a good night's rest have failed me. Instead, I feel like that passage out of Atonement (kudos to anyone who knows what I'm talking about); when I'm laying there, perfectly still, it feels like I can hear everything happening in the building. The building's alive at 1 in the morning; a living, breathing, noisy being. The girl living above me has her friends over yet again; their incessant chattering in whatever Asian language they're using comforts me some nights (I'm not alone. Ghosts won't get me), but drives me up the wall the other nights. Doors clunk open, slam shut. Voices crescendo and then decrescendo. I can hear every knock, bang, crash, or thump. Or so it feels. Maybe it's all in my head.

It's 1:05. I've been laying in bed for about an hour now. I think to myself, "Self, are you asleep yet?" Sometimes the answer is yes, but my internal conversation, initiated by that thought, slowly wakes me up again. Frustration hits me. I look at the clock after what feels like a few more minutes of just laying there. 2:05. I guess I had fallen asleep for a while there. But I'm awake yet again. I'm hungry. I open a bag of chips, sit on my chair-that-rocks-backwards, feeling blind without my contacts or glasses, and munch. Thoughtfully. I drink a sip of Zero Calorie Lemonade-Flavored Vitamin Water, thinking about how they spelled pomegranate incorrectly on the huge carton-box the drinks came in. Shame on them. The voices from above have stopped; now I just hear heavy footsteps walking back to and fro. Who walks around in circles in their rooms?

I crawl back in bed. My tummy is content. The building being has settled down; it's preparing to curl up and fall asleep. It feels like a lifetime before I'm finally asleep, and when I am, the dreams hit me again. I have been dreaming nearly every night now. It's exhausting, the task of dreaming. I jolt awake, and it's only 8:30AM; my alarm is set for 9:30. My body just refuses to let me sleep until that hated alarm sounds.

When I'm just laying there in bed, waiting to drift off, I can't help but wonder if I'm pulling an Edward Norton and slowly slipping into some mental disorder where Brad Pitt will play my awesome, disturbing alter-ego. Could I shoot myself? This is random, but slightly related, (if you think for a bit) but I was startled when I saw three "I hate myself"s scrawled onto the filthy Los Angeles walls in the movie, The Soloist. Huh?

I like myself.

<3,
V

Chances

2010-03-12T19:53:00.005-05:00

Heard this song at the end of The Blind Side (wonderful movie, by the way). I've always loved the songs from Five for Fighting, especially since they always [?] have a piano accompaniment. For a while there, I definitely used to think in terms of the last bit of the first verse, but (at least I hope) I've gotten better at trusting, rather than doubting, though there is some truth behind those words.

Chances are when said and done
Who'll be the lucky ones
Who make it all the way?
Though you say I could be your answer
Nothing lasts forever
No matter how it feels today

Chances are we´ll find a new equation
Chances roll away from me
Chances are all they hope to be

Don't get me wrong I'd never say never
Cause though love can change the weather
No act of God can pull me away from you

I´m just a realistic man
A bottle filled with shells and sand
Afraid to love beyond what I can lose when it comes to you
And though I see us through yeah

Chances are we´ll find two destinations
Chances roll away from me
Still chances are more than expectations
The possibilities
Over me
Eight to five, two to one
Lay your money on the sun
until you crash what have you done?
Is there a better bet than love?
What you are is what you breathe
You gotta cry before you sing

Chances chances

Chances lost are hopes torn up pages
Maybe this time
Chances are we´ll be the combination
Chances come and carry me
Chances are waiting to be taken
And I can see
Chances are the fascination
Chances won't escape from me
Chances are only what we make them
And all I need

I've got to take more chances.

<3,
V